After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex …
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife what’s up.
“Well,” she replied, “Not everyone is as cheap as you are.”
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I’m lonely and missing something. And I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a man, Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebow.
“Yeah, well, he’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”
In the beginning God created man, and placed him in the Garden of Eden. But man was lonely, so God made a woman out of the man’s rib. God commanded them, “Eat from any tree in the garden, except for the apple tree.”
Everything went just as God would’ve wanted it, for the first three weeks.
Then, the woman’s period started. God told the woman, “You must go out and collect mosses and other absorbant materials, and fashion them in the way I show you, and wear this between your legs, changing it daily.” At first the woman complied, but she found it to be horribly messy, extremely inconvenient, and stunk like rotting meat, and on top of that her stomach was hurting, and she was in a REALLY FOUL MOOD.
Then, that evening, after a day of soil tilling, the man went up to the woman and said, “Did you get anything for dinner?” The woman, being in a foul mood, said, “No, I didn’t. If you want something to eat, get it yourself.” The man was shocked, that the woman apparently hadn’t done anything all day, and insisted that she go out right away and pick some fruit for dinner.
So, the woman went to the apple tree, yanked the fruit from the branch, brought it back, and threw it at the man, screaming “HERE’S YOUR GODDAM DINNER!”
And the rest is history
A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.
Well, needless to say the man didn’t play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.
Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said, “No … look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green.”
The man said, “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know what happened last time I tried that shot?”
The friend looked puzzled. “What happened?”
“I took a 7.”
Three old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!
For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40 foot putt to sink for par. “I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt” she exclaims.
Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first old man says, “hold your hands tight together and aim about six inches right of the hole.”
The second says, “No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!”
The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, “Ah, it’s a gimme!”
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her God damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My God damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!
Jimmy Fuck had recently found out about sex and wanted to try it on his friend Melissa Pee. He went to her house and asked if he could have sex with her and she said, “No.”
So, the next day he went to her house with her favorite cookies, chocolate chip, and said to her, “I’ll give you this whole batch of cookies if you let me have sex with you.”
She said, “Well I guess so.”
So he procedes to have sex with her, when just then Melissa Pee’s mother walks in. She starts yelling and says, “Melissa Pee!”
She replies, “I can’t, I can’t!”
Her mother screams again and says, “Jimmy Fuck!”
He yells back “I am, I am.”
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘The Act.’
Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !”