Category: Relationships



Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I’m toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner – it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder
and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling our ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a *plop*.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your … umm … wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark. I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Wellhung: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my … you know … thing … in your … you know … woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treat is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex …

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Painless Way to Save Money

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife what’s up.

“Well,” she replied, “Not everyone is as cheap as you are.”

Eve and God

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I’m lonely and missing something. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebow.

“Yeah, well, he’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

The Garden of Eden

In the beginning God created man, and placed him in the Garden of Eden. But man was lonely, so God made a woman out of the man’s rib. God commanded them, “Eat from any tree in the garden, except for the apple tree.”

Everything went just as God would’ve wanted it, for the first three weeks.

Then, the woman’s period started. God told the woman, “You must go out and collect mosses and other absorbant materials, and fashion them in the way I show you, and wear this between your legs, changing it daily.” At first the woman complied, but she found it to be horribly messy, extremely inconvenient, and stunk like rotting meat, and on top of that her stomach was hurting, and she was in a REALLY FOUL MOOD.

Then, that evening, after a day of soil tilling, the man went up to the woman and said, “Did you get anything for dinner?” The woman, being in a foul mood, said, “No, I didn’t. If you want something to eat, get it yourself.” The man was shocked, that the woman apparently hadn’t done anything all day, and insisted that she go out right away and pick some fruit for dinner.

So, the woman went to the apple tree, yanked the fruit from the branch, brought it back, and threw it at the man, screaming “HERE’S YOUR GODDAM DINNER!”

And the rest is history

Golf Shots

A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.

Well, needless to say the man didn’t play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.

Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said, “No … look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green.”

The man said, “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know what happened last time I tried that shot?”

The friend looked puzzled. “What happened?”

“I took a 7.”

Putting for Gold

Three old men are about to get started for 18 holes one day when the starter asks if they would mind a young lady joining them. When they see a beautiful and veluptuous blonde, they accept readily!

For 17 holes, this blonde golfs horribly. On the 18th hole, a par 5, she manages to reach the green in 4, but has a 40 foot putt to sink for par. “I would give anything, anything in the world, if I could only sink this putt” she exclaims.

Thinking as old men do, each offers assistance in turn. The first old man says, “hold your hands tight together and aim about six inches right of the hole.”

The second says, “No, no, aim just left of the hole and make sure to hit it firm so as not to leave it short!”

The 3rd gentleman surveys the hole carefully and says, “Ah, it’s a gimme!”

I’m So Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her God damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My God damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!

Melissa and Jimmy

Jimmy Fuck had recently found out about sex and wanted to try it on his friend Melissa Pee. He went to her house and asked if he could have sex with her and she said, “No.”

So, the next day he went to her house with her favorite cookies, chocolate chip, and said to her, “I’ll give you this whole batch of cookies if you let me have sex with you.”

She said, “Well I guess so.”

So he procedes to have sex with her, when just then Melissa Pee’s mother walks in. She starts yelling and says, “Melissa Pee!”

She replies, “I can’t, I can’t!”

Her mother screams again and says, “Jimmy Fuck!”

He yells back “I am, I am.”