Category: Relationships

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘The Act.’

Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !”

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “of course not.” Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a “Passionate Embrace.”

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND …” Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So, Little Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy …” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

Saturday morning … Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So, Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mummy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my god … And what about uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?”

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”