Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

English Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room sks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says:

“Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

A Fairy Tale

Cinderella was all upset she couldn’t go to the ball. But then, her fairy godmother appeared and said “You can go to the ball on two conditions.”

“Great! I’ll do anything!” said Cinderella.

“Ok” said the fairy godmother “The first condition is … you have to wear a diaphragm”

“No problem” said Cinderella.

“The second condition,” continued the fairy godmother, “if you’re not home by midnight, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin”

“Yikes” said Cinderella, “I’ll be home by midnight”. So midnight comes and goes, and finally it’s 3 a.m.

Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied. “Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should’ve turned into a pumpkin hours ago!” said her fairy godmother.

“I met a man”, said Cinderella. “His name was Peter Peter something or other …”

Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”

Telepathy

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

$50 on the Pillow

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”

Stag Party

A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out.

Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend’s condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, “He had broken his prick.” They shouldn’t worry though, because he had supported the injured part with four tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.

The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, “Come and get it, Honey, it’s all yours. I’m untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool.”

The groom smiled and dropped his pajamas as he said to her, “Yeah? Well, check this out, Babe, still in the crate!”