Up in a Hotel Room…

An old man and his wife are going on a vacation, but they need to stop on the way for the night. They decide to stop at a hotel.

The husband says, “Damm, honey, I’m tired. Why don’t we just go to bed?”

His wife replies, with a sly smile: “I have something that will keep you awake.”

The husband exchanges the smile, and says, “Okay, but let me get ready. They go up to their room, and the husband goes into the bathroom. The wife hears some moaning and groaning, and she thinks that her husband is getting “ready”.

He finally comes out and they screw for several hours. The wife notices that the husband is being very agressive that night; he seems to be licking everywhere, shoving it in and out with great gusto, and grunting nearly the whole time.

Finally, they both stop, and lay back, panting. The wife says: My, honey you were very active tonight.”

The husband heads toward the door, but at the entrance he stops, turns, and takes off a mask that is an exact replica of her real husbands face.

The man says with a grin: “Man, you really know how to work it. By the way, your husband is in the bathtub.”

I’m Caught Red Handed And I Need An Excuse Fast

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But … but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”

Things Not to Say at Victoria’s Secret

#10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever
say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:

#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

Who Named You?

A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She replies, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He replies, “Beerfuck.”

Showering

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make a mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave in hair for 15
minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner out of hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off shower

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Amish Country

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a very cold day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heatwill warm them up.”

The daughter did as she was told and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he said, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”

So he did, and warmed his hands.

The following frigid day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, “My nose is really cold.”

The girl replied, “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he did, and warmed his nose.

The next below-freezing day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter (there isn’t much else to do in Amish-country) and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and said, “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

Slightly concerned, the mother said, “Why yes. Why do you ask?”

The daughter replied, “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”

Miscommunication Between Women and Men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

The BBQ

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was pulling weeds, bent over, the husband said, “Honey your butt is getting big. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now”. The husband feels he needs to prove his point and gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt. “Yep, he said, just what I thought, about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about a little sex baby?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What the matter?” he asked? To which she replied, “Surely you don’t think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”