An eldery couple were siting on a bench in a park when a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt were passing by. The old man was looking at her legs and even the ass that could be seen because of the unusual short skirt she was wearing.
The old woman (his wife) said: What are you looking at? You like her ass ha?
No, the old man replied, I was looking at her shoes.
Oh yeah, said his wife, OK what color were the shoes?
The old man caught in the middle replies: The ass’ color?!!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you, ” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment ?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”
Q: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said,
“We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?” The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The husband says, “Oh My God! No shit!?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The wife yells back, “It doesn’t matter. Just get the hell out!”
One guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. He asked, “What do you have?” The clerk replied, “We just got in some new ones for the olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones.” The customer said, “OK, I’ll take one of each.”
When he got home he told his wife, “I just got some new condoms for the Olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones. Which should I use?” His wife said “Silver.”
“Why’s that honey?”
“So you cum second.” she said with a smile.
One day this man and woman are playing golf at a golf course. So, the woman steps up to her ball and swings. The ball slices to the right and the two here the ball smash through a window.
They look at each other and the man says, “Well, we’d better go talk to the owner of the house and pay for the window. So the couple knock on the door and a man with a welt on his head dressed in funny clothes answers the door. The woman asks, “Oh, are you okay?”
The man says, “Yes, actually you released me, see I’m a Genie I’ve been trapped for 10,000 years, and for that I’ll grant you both one wish.” So the woman asks for a new wardrobe, and the man asks for one billion dollars every year for the rest of his life. Then the genie snaps his fingers and says, “There it’s done,” he continues, “you know a genie gets kind of lonely so if I could just have 20 minutes with your wife I’ll be happy.”
The couple discusses it and agree with it. After 20 great minutes of love making the genie and the woman come out and the genie asks, “How old are you miss, 20?” The woman replies, “Why yes!” “And how old are you sir?” “Fourty-three” “So, shouldn’t you know there are no such things as genies’?”
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, bu t
Q: Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a thousand women if they would sleep with the President.
A: 95% replied, “Not again.”
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”