A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”
The father yelled back, “Screw You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, … and you told me to go fly a kite!”
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me, we got ’em all.”
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and steal a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Reverend, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other known as Sister Logical (SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: Okay.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right?
SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens … look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon … just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you,” The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start? The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says, “Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”
Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive!
Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal
* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one Hand………………………………12cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal
* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot………………………92 cal
Without caring at all……………………….0 cal
* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal
* POSITIONS
missionary……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal
* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal
* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed……….816 cal
* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal
* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal
Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “a code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “typewriter”.
One day the husband told his five-year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.
The child told her mom what dad said and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human house trained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.