A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”
She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up” she replied.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”
Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”
Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”
Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”
Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.
Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.
Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”
Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.
Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”
Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.
Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”
Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”
Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is o.k.
She replies, “Yes.”
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said …
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
An elderly couple had a happy marriage and what made it so very good was that they had invented a phrase to describe the act of love, so that there was never any vulgarity in their talk. Their metaphor for the act of love was “Doing the Laundry.”
One day when Cora Jean, the wife, was vacuuming the living room, Tom Sam, the husband, was watching her with great interest. She was bending over to get dirt from the corners of the room, and stretching up to get dust from the tall lamps. Tom Sam was watching with great interest.
Then Tom Sam said to Cora Jean, “Darling, how about if we do a little laundry?”
Cora Jean said, with reluctance, “Sweetheart, I just have to get this house ready for our guests this weekend.” So then she continued her cleaning, and Tom Sam went off about his business.
That night when they went to bed, Cora Jean said, “Sweetheart, what about that laundry you mentioned earlier?”
To which Tom Sam said, “Darling, I just had a small load, so I decided to do it by hand.”
One fella without arms and legs is knocking at a brothel door.
A guy open the door and ask him, “Hey man. What are you doing here, in a brothel, with no arms and legs?”
The fella answers him, “With what do you believe I’ve just knocked?”
There were three guys, George, Tom, and Bob. They were going to heaven. On the way, a man stopped them and said, “Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” When they got up there, George and Tom were walking down the street and they saw Bob with the ugliest girl in the world. They asked him what had happened and he said he had stepped on a duck.
The next day, George and Bob were walking down the street and saw Tom with an even uglier girl than before. They asked him what happened and he responded that he had stepped on a duck.
So, the next day, Bob and Tom were walking down the street and they saw George with the most beatiful girl in the world. They asked what happened and the girl responded that she had stepped on a duck.
This redneck couple from up in the country get married. The new wife tells her husband, “I have a secret to tell you … I’m a virgin.”
New husband goes stomping out of the room and goes home to tell his parents what happened.
His Dad says, “Good for you son, you did the right thing. If she is not good enough for her family she is definitely not good enough for ours.”
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked … “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied … “I think he means her legs.”