Office Phrases Explained

It is in process:
So wrapped in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Will advise you in due course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

We are aware of it:
We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.

It’s under consideration:
Never heard of it.

Under active consideration:
We are looking in the files for it.

We are making a survey:
We need more time to think of an answer.

Let’s get together on this:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

Please note and initial:
Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already decided to do.

Give us your interpretation:
Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary’s good sense.

The Jewish Rules

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.

The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?”

“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”

“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”

“No.”

“Well, okay,” says the man, “but what about sex?”

“Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!”

“What about different positions?” the man asks.

“No problem,” says the rabbi.

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Why not?” replies the rabbi.

“How about doggie-style?”

“Of course!”

“Well, what about standing up?”

“NO!” says the rabbi …

“Why Not???” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing!”

Pregnancy Questions and Answers

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Son-in-Law

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?!” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 38 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

What are you doing?!” he exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 38 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. What are you doing?” she asked.

He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

Chicken at the Movies

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!”

The girl tells him that he CAN’T take a chicken into the theatre, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Susan. She elbows Lucy and whispers, “Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!”

Lucy whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it … you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Susan says, “I KNOW … but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have?

What Kind Of Penis Do You Have? (or for the ladies … what’s your preference?)

The Absolut Vodka penis: It’s absolut’ perfection.
The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz … Oh, what a relief it is…
The All-State penis: You’re in good hands.
The American Express penis: Don’t leave home without it.
The Andrex Penis: Soft, Strong, and very very long
The AOL penis: It’s so easy to use, no wonder it’s #1?
The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.

The Barq’s penis: the one with bite.
The beef penis: it’s what’s for dinner.
The Bud Lite penis: great taste, less filling.
The Barney penis: It says “I love you!”
The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Beavis penis: Look! it’s changing color!
The Beef penis: It’s what’s for dinner.
The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
The Big Red penis: It’s longer with big red.
The Borden penis: It’s GOT to be good.
The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Budweiser penis: This bud’s for you!
The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
The Burger King penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.

The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm…
The California Lotto penis: Who’s next?
The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.
The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Champion penis: The official penis of the ’96 U.S.A olympic team.
The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
The Charmin penis: Don’t squeeze the penis!
The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
The Citibank visa penis: It’s everywhere you want to be.
The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without
getting bruised.
The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
The Dial penis: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it…
The Dodge Neon penis: There’s a “lot more to love!”
The Domino’s Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey

The Extra penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going…
The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin penis: It’s tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!

The Flintstone’s Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
The Ford penis: The best never rest.
The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It’s the oooh without the ouch.
The Frosted Flakes penis: They’re GGGRRRRREEEAAATTT!
The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
The FTD penis: Some of life’s best moments come FTD.

The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
The Generic penis: One size fits all.
The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that….tree?
The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
The GMC Envoy penis: It’s the real mcCoy.
The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically
engineered.

The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.

The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.

The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle…
The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.

The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

The Lays penis: Betcha can’t eat just one!
The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
The Life Call penis: It’s fallen and it can’t get up.
The Little Caesar’s penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
The Lucky Charms penis: It’s magically delicious!
The Luv’s penis: It’ll take a load off your mind.

The Mars Penis: A mars a day helps you work, rest and play.
The Matthew Sweet penis: 100% fun.
The Macintosh penis: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The McDonald’s penis: Over 10 billion served.
The McDonald’s penis: Have you had your break today?
The MCI penis: For friends and family!
The Men’s Healthy Magazine penis: It’s a perfect fit.
The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
The Milk penis: It does a body good!
The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
The Monty Python penis: “isn’t awfully nice to have a penis”
The Monty Python penis II: “Every sperm is sacred….”
The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.

The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey – you never know.
The Newport penis: It’s alive with pleasure.
The Nike penis: Just do it.
The Nintendo penis: Now you’re playing with power.
The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching,
burning, so you can’t rest penis.

The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
The Phillips MOM penis: It’s always stimulant free.
The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
The Pizza Hut penis: Makin’ it great.
The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into “Post Selects”
fits.
The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop…
The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.

The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
The Reese’s penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom…

The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
The Sega penis: PENIS!
The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up…
The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.
The Sprite penis: Image is nothing… Taste is everything.
The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don’t shine.
The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat!

The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on…….
The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take …?
The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
The Transformers penis: It’s more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.

The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.

The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
The Virginia Slims penis: You’ve come a long way, baby!

The Wendy’s penis: Where’s the beef?
The Wizard of Oz penis: “Oh my!”

The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.