Times When The “F” Word Was Appropriate

“What the fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” – General Custer

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” – Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!” – Pablo Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras

“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” – Michaelangelo

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” – Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers…my ass.” – Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” – John F. Kennedy

“Who the fuck is going to know?” – Bill Clinton

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking His/Her Sweet Time

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10.”
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M’s on layaway.
8. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
17. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “pick me! pick me!!”
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud …”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”

3 Men in an Airplane

There was an airplane and three men were inside. One had a $5 bill, the other a brick, and the other a bomb.

The first man, with the brick, dropped it down on the town below.  All the people below shouted, “The sky is falling!”

Then the man with the $5 bill dropped it.  All the people shouted, “Its raining money!”

Then the man w/ a bomb dropped it. They heard no anwser. Then, they jumped out to see what happened.  They talked to a scared looking old lady, who said “I was walking, and I farted, and then, the man behind my blew up!”

The Olympic Joke

One guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. He asked, “What do you have?” The clerk replied, “We just got in some new ones for the olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones.” The customer said, “OK, I’ll take one of each.”

When he got home he told his wife, “I just got some new condoms for the Olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones. Which should I use?” His wife said “Silver.”

“Why’s that honey?”

“So you cum second.” she said with a smile.

Airplane Restroom

A man in an airplane has to go to the bathroom really badly. He stands up to go over to the bathroom and tries to open the door. Its locked. He sits down and tries five minutes later. Its locked. He does this several times until one time one of the laides tells him to just go into the girls bathroom and that she would watch it for him. Before he walks in the lady said, “Make sure you don’t touch the atr button. No matter what.” So the guy says, “Sure, no problem.”

So he gets in there and sits down and starts doing his business. He see’s three buttons. The first button says ww. So he pushes it and a warm mist sprays his behind. He says, “that was pleasant lets try the next one.” He looks and it says, “p.” So he pushes it. A cool powder splashes up on him in the same spot. So he says, “this is great the atr button can’t be that bad.” So he pushes it.

He wakes up the next morning and asks, ” Where am I? That same lady is next to his bed and she says, “I told you not to push the atr button didn’t I.” He said, “yes, but all of the other buttons were fine. What was the atr button anyway?” She responded, “an automatic tampon remover.”

Crash Course in Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man
Dum Gai

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face-lift
Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet
MunChing?

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

Small horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki, Pu

Genie In A Bottle

One day this man and woman are playing golf at a golf course. So, the woman steps up to her ball and swings. The ball slices to the right and the two here the ball smash through a window.

They look at each other and the man says, “Well, we’d better go talk to the owner of the house and pay for the window. So the couple knock on the door and a man with a welt on his head dressed in funny clothes answers the door. The woman asks, “Oh, are you okay?”

The man says, “Yes, actually you released me, see I’m a Genie I’ve been trapped for 10,000 years, and for that I’ll grant you both one wish.” So the woman asks for a new wardrobe, and the man asks for one billion dollars every year for the rest of his life. Then the genie snaps his fingers and says, “There it’s done,” he continues, “you know a genie gets kind of lonely so if I could just have 20 minutes with your wife I’ll be happy.”

The couple discusses it and agree with it. After 20 great minutes of love making the genie and the woman come out and the genie asks, “How old are you miss, 20?” The woman replies, “Why yes!” “And how old are you sir?” “Fourty-three” “So, shouldn’t you know there are no such things as genies’?”