Like father, like son

One day a blonde woman phones to a major company asking for a Mr. Smith. The receptionist who happens to be blonde also answers the phone.

“Hi,” said the blonde woman. “Is Mr. Smith there?”

The blonde receptionist is quite shaken but responds that Mr. Smith had died several months earlier.

“Well, is his son there?” asks the blonde woman.

“Yes. One moment …”

Bill’s Barn

Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel my husbands life insurance.”

Top 10 Signs Your Lawyer Isn’t Working Out

10. Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
9. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
8. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
7. Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
6. The only question she can come up with during cross examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
5. Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
4. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
3. Instead of saying “Your honour, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
2. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
1. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

The General’s Dog

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”

The General continued, “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said, “Good trade Sir!”

Waterskiing Sermon

A Minister noted that he was losing the attention of especially the young people in his audience, so he decided to prepare a sermon for the following Sunday on the topic of water-skiing.

He sat for absolutely ages preparing and eventually came up with only one paragraph of information. His wife advised him that she wouldn’t be attending church on Sunday if he insisted on going ahead and making a fool of himself.

Late on Saturday evening, and without advising his wife, he changed his mind and dug up a sermon which had always met with great success on the topic of sex in marriage.

Anyway, his wife didn’t attend his sermon on the Sunday, but, after church, two old ladies who had attended were having a conversation with the Minister’s wife and told her what a brilliant sermon her husband had given and how much they had enjoyed it.

She was quite astonished and said: “I’m really surprised, because he doesn’t know anything about the topic. He’s only tried it twice – the first time he fell off and the second time he felt nauseous”.

Sweet Romance

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Worker’s Compensation

A truck driver who has been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the Worker’s Compensation Department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.

Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that’s right all lead

Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I’m not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

Messed Up Days

A blonde walks into an elevator and says to the guy in there, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no S-H-I-T”. She says, “no T-G-I-F”. He says, no “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no” with a big smile on her face, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no” with a big smile on his face, “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no, T-G-I-F, Thank God It’s Friday”. He says, “no, S-H-I-T, Sorry Hon It’s Thursday”.

You know you’re from Northern New York When…

1) You only own 3 spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

2) You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

3) The mosquitos have landing lights.

4) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5) True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

6) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

7) You live in a house that has no front steps yet the door is one yard above the ground.

8) You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9) Driving is better in the winter becase the potholes get filled up with snow.

10) You think lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

11) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 of the page, but requires six pages for sports.

13) At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14) The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun.