Two women were at a bar. ESPN was on the television. One said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”
“If that were true,” said the other woman looking up at the TV, “then it would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars,” the salesman says. “I’ll take that too!” the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”
16. Carpools with Divine Brown.
15. Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
14. Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
13. You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
12. That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
11. Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
10. Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
9. Models new lingerie, saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
8. The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
7. Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
6. Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
5. The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
4. Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
3. Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
2. Michael Irvin called her as a character witness.
1. Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
Read this out loud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.
Two cows are standing around in a paddock. One of them says, “MOOOO” and the other says, “I thought you’d say that”.
It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
There were two doctors talking and one said, “I had a patient today with a dick like a dill pickle.”
The other doctor said, “It was that green?”
The first doctor said, “No, that sour.”
One day a blonde woman phones to a major company asking for a Mr. Smith. The receptionist who happens to be blonde also answers the phone.
“Hi,” said the blonde woman. “Is Mr. Smith there?”
The blonde receptionist is quite shaken but responds that Mr. Smith had died several months earlier.
“Well, is his son there?” asks the blonde woman.
“Yes. One moment …”
Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel my husbands life insurance.”
10. Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
9. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
8. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
7. Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
6. The only question she can come up with during cross examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
5. Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
4. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
3. Instead of saying “Your honour, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
2. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
1. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.