A New Stud Rooster For the Farm

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”

The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens … look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon … just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you,” The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start? The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says, “Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”

Powerful Liquid

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.”

The Priest said, “But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a boy!”

Little Johnny said, “Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat’s butt, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Exercise Plan

Finally, an exercise plan with some real incentive!

Sex is the most practical and fun way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement…………………………12 cal
Without her agreement……………………..187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands…………………………….8 cal
With one Hand………………………………12cal
With one hand being slapped…………………37 cal
With the mouth…………………………….85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection………………………………6 cal
Without erection………………………….315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris………………….8 cal
Trying to find G spot………………………92 cal
Without caring at all……………………….0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up…………………………….12 cal
Just on the floor…………………………..8 cal

* POSITIONS
missionary……………………………….12 cal
69 laying………………………………….8 cal
69 standing up……………………………112 cal
Trolley………………………………….216 cal
Italian chandelier………………………..912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real…………………………………….112 cal
Fake…………………………………….315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed…………………………….18 cal
Jumping off the bed………………………..36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed……….816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age………………12 cal
from 20 to 29……………………………..36 cal
from 30 to 39…………………………….108 cal
from 40 to 49…………………………….324 cal
from 50 to 59…………………………….972 cal
over 60…………………………………2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly…………………………………..32 cal
Being in a hurry…………………………..98 cal
With her husband opening the door………….1218 cal

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”

Bessie looks up and says “Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!”

Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”

Drunk Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher … I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher … “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

The Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “a code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “typewriter”.

One day the husband told his five-year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mom what dad said and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

Happy Baby

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”

The nurse says, “He’s happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”