Sister Maggie In Hell

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”

The Way It Was …

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain-glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.

But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’re complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, … physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first

What is God’s real name?

There was a boy who wnated to join a club. He walked up to the entrance, and the boy standing there told him “You must anwser these questions if you want to join the club”

“Ok” said the boy.

“The first one, how many T’s in a week? The second, how many days in a month, the next, what is God’s real name?”

The boy looked at him for a moment and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow with the anwsers”

The next day the boy came back with the answers. “There are 2 T’s in a week, today and tomorrow, there are 4 days in a month …”

“And what is God’s real name?”

“Howard” said the boy.

The other boy gasped. “How’d you know that?”

The boy shrugged and said, “Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.”

Sexual Advances

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”

Got A Driving Permit?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve read in the bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and if you read on further you’ll find out that they walked everywhere they went!”

Morning Sickness

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Tracey?” she asked.

Tracey told her that she had “morning sickness.” Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”

Turkish Prison

An Englishman, a Irishman and a Scotsman were all sentenced to 10 years in a Turkish jail. However, because the judge was in a good mood, they were permitted to have any thing they want supplied in the jail with them. The Englishman asks for a couple hundred barrels of whiskey. So they lock him in there with a ten year supply of his favourite brand. Next the Scotsman asks to be locked away with a half dozen beautiful blondes. So they put him in his cell with some of the best looking women in the city. Finally the Irishman asks for some cigars, they lock him away with a ten year supply of the finest Cuban cigars.

Ten years later, the warden comes to release the prisoners. They open the Englishman’s cell and he’s slumped dead in a corner, apparently he died of alcohol poisoning. Moving on, they open the Scots’s cell and he’s dead too, laying flat and motionless on a bed with a smile etched on his face. The women tell the guards he died of exhaustion just two weeks ago. Finally they get to the Irish man. Dreading the worst, they open his cell and the Irishman jumps out with a cigar in his hand and asks: “Have you got a light?”

Married 12 Times

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!'”

“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.”

“My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.'”

“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.”

“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”

“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.”

“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.'”

“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was … — God I miss him!”

“So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!”