Cats

** “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” – Unknown

** “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

** “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez

** “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” – English proverb

** “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley

** “One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemmingway

** “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” – Mary Bly

** “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

** “People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick

** “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” – Anonymous

** “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine

** “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” – Unknown

** “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer

** “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul

** “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”

** “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette

** “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick

** “Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” – Dave Platt

** “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” – Bruce Graham

** “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” – Colonial American proverb

** “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” -Joseph Wood Krutch

** “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic”

** “My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.”

Paying by the Hour

A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

At about 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.

“What? On my own time??”

Real Notices from Real Church Bullitens

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

Among needed items for Vacation Bible School: wooden bowels.

“Wise Up, 0 Men of God”

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Tonight’s sermon – “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted … the minutes were approved … the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The “Over 60s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa named Bertha Belch is speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Barbara Belch all the way from Africa.”

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

Look Out Below

On an airplane were three notable gentlemen: a priest, a hunter, and a general in the army. The flight was going perfectly until the plane hit some terrible turbulence and began shaking wildly. In the turmoil, the plane’s door flew open, and each man dropped an item, which was instantly sucked out of the plane. The priest lost a small brass cross, the hunter lost a knife, and the general lost a grenade.

Later on, a young girl was found crying in the street. A man passing by asked, “What’s the matter, sweetie?” The girl replied, “A cross fell out of the sky and killed my cat!”

“Boy, that really sucks!”

A young boy was found crying. A woman passing asked, “What’s the matter?”

He fought back tears and said, “A knife fell out of the sky and killed my mother!”

“Oh God! That’s horrible!”

Another small boy was found laughing uncontrollably. A man asked him, “What’s so darned funny?”

When the boy finally got control of himself, he replied, “I farted and my house exploded!”

Lip Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are TEACHERS.

Viagra Theme Songs

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the media coverage has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock
– Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night
– The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time
– Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love
– The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love
– Sade

We’ve Only Just Begun
– Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
– Cindy Lauper

When I’m 64
– The Beatles

I’m Your Gun
– Alice Cooper

In Too Deep
– Genesis

Big Bad John
-Jimmy Dean

Here He Comes Again
– Dolly Parton

The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A.
– Donna Fargo

Behind Closed Doors
– Charlie Rich

In The Mood
– Glen Miller