A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely.”
“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing”.
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming …”
— Author Unknown
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes …
GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Two Auburn football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled – E-I-E-I-O.”
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.
Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “… On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again …”
Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.
“Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “… On the road again …”
The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.
“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked.
“Are you kidding?” says the morgue attendant, “Any asshole can sing country music!”
A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.”
The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.
The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”
As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.
“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I? I’ll pay you double for the farm … but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”
1) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it says, “TO BE CONTINUED.”
2) Yo momma’s so fat that when she was sunbathing on the beach Greenpeace turned up and tried to push her back in the water.
3) Yo momma’s so fat that when she falls out of bed she rocks herself to sleep trying to get back up.
4) Yo momma’s so fat that when she wore an X T-shirt helicopters tried to land on her.
5) Yo momma’s so fat that when she steps on the scales it tells the other three people to get off!
6) Yo momma’s so fat that when your dad rolls over in bed to answer the phone he burns his arse on the lightbulb.
7) Yo momma’s so fat that the Titanic didn’t need an iceberg to sink it.
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
A: Give him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick.
A: Give him a box of jaffas and tell him to eat the red ones last.
Q: How do you get a one-armed idiot out of a plane?
A: Wave.
Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma decked in leather and chains,
Where watching the kids dueling with candy canes.
Ma home from the cathouse,
And I out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell on my ass!
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his stick,
I knew in a moment that drunkard was Nick!
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.
“Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the roof,
Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your hoofs!”
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell!
He staggered and stumbled and went to the door,
He trtipped over a beer bottle and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all, it’s a hell of a night!”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”