Question: How do you get a one arm blonde out of a tree?
Answer: You wave at her.
Trees
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is by far, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
Four Blondes and a Chair
Q: If you have four blondes as guests and you
have only one chair, how are you going to give them a sit?
A: You just turn the chair over!
Religious and Teachers Joke
1) A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.
2) Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball.
Jonah: Here
funny yo mama jokes
Yo mama is so fat when she wore a yellow rain coat outside people yelled, “taxi!”
When yo mama went to the beach to tan people started throwing water on her screaming, “save the whale!”
Yo mama’s so hairy she has afros on her nipples.
Yo mama’s so fat when she wore a shirt with an “X” on it a helicoptor landed on her.
Yo mama’s so ugly she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
Yo mama’s so ugly yo daddy drives her to work so he doesn’t have to drop her off.
Yo mama’s so fat when you walk around her you get lost.
Yo mama’s so stank her teacher gave her an A for not raising her hand.
Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses pillowcases for socks.
Things Not to Say at Victoria’s Secret
#10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever
say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…
“Will you get lost! I’m trying to poop!”
I’m Caught Red Handed And I Need An Excuse Fast
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies
together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.
“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to
receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.
“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.
“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.
“But … but you’ve got no clothes on?” stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “The little bastards!”
SECURITY NOTICE
We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended; Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
Blonde’s Favorite Nursery Rhyme
Q: What’s a blonde favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me, dump me.