Tag: Story


Travelling Blonde

A dumb blonde boards an airplane that is headed for Las Vegas. She is really determined that she will win lots of money, so much that she takes a seat in first class when her ticket is for coach. When the flight attendant is checking tickets and comes to the blonde she says, “Ma’am your ticket is for coach class, you must move back.”

The blonde replies “I’m headed for Las Vegas and I am going to win lots and lots of money.”

The flight attendant, pretty annoyed goes back to the pilot and explains the situation. The pilot comes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear. Shocked, the blonde gets up quickly and heads back to her assigned seat.

The flight attendant, very surprised, asked the pilot what he said to her?

He replied, “I told her first class was not going to Las Vegas.”

John and Jason Hunting

There are these two hunters, John and Jason. One day John and Jason go hunting at about 3:00 p.m. and at 8:00 p.m. with no luck thus far they decided to go two seperate ways. Jason goes left and John goes right. Jason pulls out beer and starts walking as John starts walking off too. At about ten beers later, Jason has to take a shit so he puts down his beer and pulls down his pants and starts to go … in the middle he passes out. John meanwhile caught a huge deer and decided to bring it back Jason’s way. He find’s Jason about two hours later passed out, So he decides not to wake Jason, but he does gut the deer right there and drag the deer back to the truck. About 1.5 hours later, Jason comes stumbling back to the truck all bloody and smelling rotten and says to John, “You will never believe what happened. I was drinking and I went to shit and passed out and when I got back up, I saw my guts laying all over the ground, but with the love of God and my two fingers, I managed to get them all back where they came from.”

Good Engineering Lasts Forever!

There has been the contention that the US railroad gauge is NOT the same as the English, but the story is still very humorous.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war horses.

Thus we have the answer to the original question. Now for the twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it’s launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses’ rumps.

So, a major design feature of what is arguably the worlds most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!

Don’t you just love engineering?

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly woman decided to make chocolate chip cookies for her next-door neighbors. Being that she had very poor eyesight, she grabbed a bag of bullets instead of chocolate chips and poured them in the batter. She went next-door gave the cookies to the mother, who then gave them to her three children. Later that day, one child went up to the mother and said, “Mommy, mommy, there’s a bullet in the toilet!” The mother told her not to worry about it, she’ll take it out later. A few minutes after, the second child went to the mother and exclaimed that she also had found a bullet in the toilet. Again the mother said she would take care of it. Lastly, the third child approached the mother saying, “Mommy, mommy!” “Lemme guess, there’s a bullet in the toilet?,” interrupted the mother. “No,” said the child, “I just farted and I shot the dog!”

3 Men in an Airplane

There was an airplane and three men were inside. One had a $5 bill, the other a brick, and the other a bomb.

The first man, with the brick, dropped it down on the town below.  All the people below shouted, “The sky is falling!”

Then the man with the $5 bill dropped it.  All the people shouted, “Its raining money!”

Then the man w/ a bomb dropped it. They heard no anwser. Then, they jumped out to see what happened.  They talked to a scared looking old lady, who said “I was walking, and I farted, and then, the man behind my blew up!”

The Olympic Joke

One guy went to the drugstore to buy some condoms. He asked, “What do you have?” The clerk replied, “We just got in some new ones for the olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones.” The customer said, “OK, I’ll take one of each.”

When he got home he told his wife, “I just got some new condoms for the Olympics. There are gold, silver and bronze ones. Which should I use?” His wife said “Silver.”

“Why’s that honey?”

“So you cum second.” she said with a smile.

Airplane Restroom

A man in an airplane has to go to the bathroom really badly. He stands up to go over to the bathroom and tries to open the door. Its locked. He sits down and tries five minutes later. Its locked. He does this several times until one time one of the laides tells him to just go into the girls bathroom and that she would watch it for him. Before he walks in the lady said, “Make sure you don’t touch the atr button. No matter what.” So the guy says, “Sure, no problem.”

So he gets in there and sits down and starts doing his business. He see’s three buttons. The first button says ww. So he pushes it and a warm mist sprays his behind. He says, “that was pleasant lets try the next one.” He looks and it says, “p.” So he pushes it. A cool powder splashes up on him in the same spot. So he says, “this is great the atr button can’t be that bad.” So he pushes it.

He wakes up the next morning and asks, ” Where am I? That same lady is next to his bed and she says, “I told you not to push the atr button didn’t I.” He said, “yes, but all of the other buttons were fine. What was the atr button anyway?” She responded, “an automatic tampon remover.”

Genie In A Bottle

One day this man and woman are playing golf at a golf course. So, the woman steps up to her ball and swings. The ball slices to the right and the two here the ball smash through a window.

They look at each other and the man says, “Well, we’d better go talk to the owner of the house and pay for the window. So the couple knock on the door and a man with a welt on his head dressed in funny clothes answers the door. The woman asks, “Oh, are you okay?”

The man says, “Yes, actually you released me, see I’m a Genie I’ve been trapped for 10,000 years, and for that I’ll grant you both one wish.” So the woman asks for a new wardrobe, and the man asks for one billion dollars every year for the rest of his life. Then the genie snaps his fingers and says, “There it’s done,” he continues, “you know a genie gets kind of lonely so if I could just have 20 minutes with your wife I’ll be happy.”

The couple discusses it and agree with it. After 20 great minutes of love making the genie and the woman come out and the genie asks, “How old are you miss, 20?” The woman replies, “Why yes!” “And how old are you sir?” “Fourty-three” “So, shouldn’t you know there are no such things as genies’?”

Pre-Marital Discussion

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, bu t