This redneck couple from up in the country get married. The new wife tells her husband, “I have a secret to tell you … I’m a virgin.”
New husband goes stomping out of the room and goes home to tell his parents what happened.
His Dad says, “Good for you son, you did the right thing. If she is not good enough for her family she is definitely not good enough for ours.”
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.” The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”
“I just shut down two engines, kid.”
A minister was in his church one night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find two leprechauns sitting on the ground, one looking smug and happy, the other one looking nervous and scared. The smug one asked the minister if there were any leprechaun nuns in the church. When the minister answered, “No”, the smug one asked if there were any in the city, (no) state, (no) country, (no) world, (no) or universe, (no).
Finally, the smug one laughed and told the other one, “See! I told ye ye screwed a penguin!”
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked … “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied … “I think he means her legs.”
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.
The head guy says: “I don’t know lady … you’ll be the first woman. Before I can hire you I’ll have to see if you fit in with the guys.
I have three questions for you …
1. “Do you drink?”
She replies, “At least a six pack a day”
2. “Do you swear?”
She replies, “Shit yeah, all the damn time!”
“OK, then, I got only one more question … you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She replies, “No — but I’ve been swung around by my tits a few times!”
Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.
He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?”
Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”
The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.” The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!”
“Shut up, you imbecile.” says the father “I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!”
So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”
Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you … Thank you very much!”
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn’t achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.
“Lord, I am lonely and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?”
“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain-glorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.
But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you’re complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, … physical needs. He’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advise to think properly.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”
“Yeah, well … you can have him on one condition.”
“What’s that, Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.
The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”
“Of course, Sister” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”