Tag: Story


Irish Bash

Sean and Murphy are two teenagers out on the razzle one night, well Sean is better looking than his mate and, consequently, he scores with a local chick and goes back to her place – abandoning Murphy with a wink.

Next morning, Sunday as it happens, Sean turns up at Murphy’s place with bags under his eyes, a dry throat, spotty chin and all the rest of it … he looks like death warmed up, and appears to have all the symptoms of going into a diabetic coma, even though he’s not a diabetic… and Murphy asks how it went … “Great” says Sean, “But I’m knackered and I think I really ought to go to confession you know, like after what l did with this girl last night.”

Murphy tells him to get a move on cos’ the church has already started morning service and so the pair of them get down there … whereupon Murphy says he’ll wait at the door on account he hasn’t got any sins to confess.

Sean reaches the confessional and the voice of the priest whispers to him through the screen … “speak up and reveal your sins to God young man” and so Sean goes on to describe his night of debauchery in detail … adding that it all happened with a local girl … and the priest says, “young man, your sins can be forgiven, but you must tell me the name of the poor girl, she may be in greater danger than you”

Sean doesn’t think he can bring himself to give her name and says “Father, I’ve come to confess my own sins, the girl can do the same, it wouldn’t be proper of me to speak her name now would it?”

The priest asks him, in an annoyed tone, “was it Mary O’Flannagan then young man” and Sean cries “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” which perplexes the priest more still, leading him to demand, “Well then, was it Lucy O’Hara you young idiot?” and Sean replies, “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” and the priest gets even more annoyed and asks in a sterner voice still “Was it Susan O’Flaherty then you rapscallion?” and Sean screams back “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say … I demand you pardon me for my own sins and let me leave …”

The priest issues Sean with 50 Hail Marys and orders him to clean the church after the service, he is thus absolved of his sins …

On rejoining Murphy at the door Murphy smiles and asks “how did it go then Sean, what did you get?” to which Sean says “Oh, a few Hail Marys and a bit of cleaning to do after the service … and three freaking red hot tips for next Saturday …”

What is God’s real name?

There was a boy who wnated to join a club. He walked up to the entrance, and the boy standing there told him “You must anwser these questions if you want to join the club”

“Ok” said the boy.

“The first one, how many T’s in a week? The second, how many days in a month, the next, what is God’s real name?”

The boy looked at him for a moment and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow with the anwsers”

The next day the boy came back with the answers. “There are 2 T’s in a week, today and tomorrow, there are 4 days in a month …”

“And what is God’s real name?”

“Howard” said the boy.

The other boy gasped. “How’d you know that?”

The boy shrugged and said, “Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name.”

Turkish Prison

An Englishman, a Irishman and a Scotsman were all sentenced to 10 years in a Turkish jail. However, because the judge was in a good mood, they were permitted to have any thing they want supplied in the jail with them. The Englishman asks for a couple hundred barrels of whiskey. So they lock him in there with a ten year supply of his favourite brand. Next the Scotsman asks to be locked away with a half dozen beautiful blondes. So they put him in his cell with some of the best looking women in the city. Finally the Irishman asks for some cigars, they lock him away with a ten year supply of the finest Cuban cigars.

Ten years later, the warden comes to release the prisoners. They open the Englishman’s cell and he’s slumped dead in a corner, apparently he died of alcohol poisoning. Moving on, they open the Scots’s cell and he’s dead too, laying flat and motionless on a bed with a smile etched on his face. The women tell the guards he died of exhaustion just two weeks ago. Finally they get to the Irish man. Dreading the worst, they open his cell and the Irishman jumps out with a cigar in his hand and asks: “Have you got a light?”

Morning Sickness

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What’s wrong Tracey?” she asked.

Tracey told her that she had “morning sickness.” Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”

“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”

Got A Driving Permit?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve read in the bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and if you read on further you’ll find out that they walked everywhere they went!”

Sexual Advances

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”

Cinderella at Age 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”.

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man”.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don’t you?”

Married 12 Times

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!'”

“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.”

“My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.'”

“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.”

“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”

“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.”

“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.'”

“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was … — God I miss him!”

“So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!”

A Bud Lite?

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam … I know what the K-Y is for … and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the BEER for?” At that, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door flung it door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dam*it, nurse! I said a BUTT light!