Tag: Story



Farting Competition

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

An Anteater Walks Into a Bar

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink.

“Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o,” replies the anteater.

“Then how about a gin and tonic?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

“A martini?”

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o.”

Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking – why the long no’s?”

Will There Be Anything Else?

“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

“No thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife?” he asked.

“Yeah! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”

Paying by the Hour

A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

At about 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.

“What? On my own time??”

Look Out Below

On an airplane were three notable gentlemen: a priest, a hunter, and a general in the army. The flight was going perfectly until the plane hit some terrible turbulence and began shaking wildly. In the turmoil, the plane’s door flew open, and each man dropped an item, which was instantly sucked out of the plane. The priest lost a small brass cross, the hunter lost a knife, and the general lost a grenade.

Later on, a young girl was found crying in the street. A man passing by asked, “What’s the matter, sweetie?” The girl replied, “A cross fell out of the sky and killed my cat!”

“Boy, that really sucks!”

A young boy was found crying. A woman passing asked, “What’s the matter?”

He fought back tears and said, “A knife fell out of the sky and killed my mother!”

“Oh God! That’s horrible!”

Another small boy was found laughing uncontrollably. A man asked him, “What’s so darned funny?”

When the boy finally got control of himself, he replied, “I farted and my house exploded!”

Lip Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are TEACHERS.

Camel Marathon Winner

During an interview, the camel marathon champion was asked how he got an extra two to three days out of his camels in between watering holes.

“Oh, you wait until they almost fill up with water and then walk around back and slap two bricks around his testicles. Doing that makes them drink more water deeply and quickly on top of what they usually drink.”

“But—but doesn’t that HURT?”

“Only if you get your fingers caught in between the bricks.”

Grown Up Words

Some kindergartner students had moved up to the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”

Captain’s Red Shirt

There was a captain of a war ship. While on lookout, he got news he would be under attack by another ship. He told his second in command to get him his red shirt. So, he quickly got him his red shirt. The next day, there were 10 ships attacking, and he told his second in command to get him his red shirt.

After days of fighting, his second in command finally asked him, why he wore his red shirt. The captain told him, that if he got shot, no one would see the blood.

One day, he was under attack by 100 ships, and his second in command asked if he wanted his red shirt, and he said, “NO, get me my brown pants!”