“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
“No thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife?” he asked.
“Yeah! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”
A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
At about 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
“What? On my own time??”
On an airplane were three notable gentlemen: a priest, a hunter, and a general in the army. The flight was going perfectly until the plane hit some terrible turbulence and began shaking wildly. In the turmoil, the plane’s door flew open, and each man dropped an item, which was instantly sucked out of the plane. The priest lost a small brass cross, the hunter lost a knife, and the general lost a grenade.
Later on, a young girl was found crying in the street. A man passing by asked, “What’s the matter, sweetie?” The girl replied, “A cross fell out of the sky and killed my cat!”
“Boy, that really sucks!”
A young boy was found crying. A woman passing asked, “What’s the matter?”
He fought back tears and said, “A knife fell out of the sky and killed my mother!”
“Oh God! That’s horrible!”
Another small boy was found laughing uncontrollably. A man asked him, “What’s so darned funny?”
When the boy finally got control of himself, he replied, “I farted and my house exploded!”
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.”
“What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?”
“No, he doesn’t,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers … and then there are TEACHERS.
During an interview, the camel marathon champion was asked how he got an extra two to three days out of his camels in between watering holes.
“Oh, you wait until they almost fill up with water and then walk around back and slap two bricks around his testicles. Doing that makes them drink more water deeply and quickly on top of what they usually drink.”
“But—but doesn’t that HURT?”
“Only if you get your fingers caught in between the bricks.”
Some kindergartner students had moved up to the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”
There was a captain of a war ship. While on lookout, he got news he would be under attack by another ship. He told his second in command to get him his red shirt. So, he quickly got him his red shirt. The next day, there were 10 ships attacking, and he told his second in command to get him his red shirt.
After days of fighting, his second in command finally asked him, why he wore his red shirt. The captain told him, that if he got shot, no one would see the blood.
One day, he was under attack by 100 ships, and his second in command asked if he wanted his red shirt, and he said, “NO, get me my brown pants!”
A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching YOU.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching YOU.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who are you?”
“Moses,” replied the parrot.
“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?”
The parrot replied, “Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS.”
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in … but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … 7 … 8 … on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”
The second one replied, “I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!”