Don’t step on a duck

There were three guys, George, Tom, and Bob. They were going to heaven. On the way, a man stopped them and said, “Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” When they got up there, George and Tom were walking down the street and they saw Bob with the ugliest girl in the world. They asked him what had happened and he said he had stepped on a duck.

The next day, George and Bob were walking down the street and saw Tom with an even uglier girl than before. They asked him what happened and he responded that he had stepped on a duck.

So, the next day, Bob and Tom were walking down the street and they saw George with the most beatiful girl in the world. They asked what happened and the girl responded that she had stepped on a duck.

Leprechaun Nun

A minister was in his church one night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find two leprechauns sitting on the ground, one looking smug and happy, the other one looking nervous and scared. The smug one asked the minister if there were any leprechaun nuns in the church. When the minister answered, “No”, the smug one asked if there were any in the city, (no) state, (no) country, (no) world, (no) or universe, (no).

Finally, the smug one laughed and told the other one, “See! I told ye ye screwed a penguin!”

Dead Husbands

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked … “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied … “I think he means her legs.”

First Female Trucker

This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.

The head guy says: “I don’t know lady … you’ll be the first woman. Before I can hire you I’ll have to see if you fit in with the guys.

I have three questions for you …

1. “Do you drink?”
She replies, “At least a six pack a day”

2. “Do you swear?”
She replies, “Shit yeah, all the damn time!”

“OK, then, I got only one more question … you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

She replies, “No — but I’ve been swung around by my tits a few times!”

College Admission Essay

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work

1. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
2. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
3. “I was working smarter — not harder.”
4. “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
5. “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
6. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
7. “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
8. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
9. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
10. “I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
13. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
14. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
15. “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

Musical Health Care

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn’t achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

Father O’Malley

Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.

He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “Elvis! Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead Elvis! How have you been?”

Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he’s a little upset so he tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.” The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing sir – Oh my God! It’s Elvis! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to see you!”

“Shut up, you imbecile.” says the father “I’m not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!”

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s you!” screams the hotel clerk. “You’re back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”

Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you … Thank you very much!”

Irish Bash

Sean and Murphy are two teenagers out on the razzle one night, well Sean is better looking than his mate and, consequently, he scores with a local chick and goes back to her place – abandoning Murphy with a wink.

Next morning, Sunday as it happens, Sean turns up at Murphy’s place with bags under his eyes, a dry throat, spotty chin and all the rest of it … he looks like death warmed up, and appears to have all the symptoms of going into a diabetic coma, even though he’s not a diabetic… and Murphy asks how it went … “Great” says Sean, “But I’m knackered and I think I really ought to go to confession you know, like after what l did with this girl last night.”

Murphy tells him to get a move on cos’ the church has already started morning service and so the pair of them get down there … whereupon Murphy says he’ll wait at the door on account he hasn’t got any sins to confess.

Sean reaches the confessional and the voice of the priest whispers to him through the screen … “speak up and reveal your sins to God young man” and so Sean goes on to describe his night of debauchery in detail … adding that it all happened with a local girl … and the priest says, “young man, your sins can be forgiven, but you must tell me the name of the poor girl, she may be in greater danger than you”

Sean doesn’t think he can bring himself to give her name and says “Father, I’ve come to confess my own sins, the girl can do the same, it wouldn’t be proper of me to speak her name now would it?”

The priest asks him, in an annoyed tone, “was it Mary O’Flannagan then young man” and Sean cries “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” which perplexes the priest more still, leading him to demand, “Well then, was it Lucy O’Hara you young idiot?” and Sean replies, “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” and the priest gets even more annoyed and asks in a sterner voice still “Was it Susan O’Flaherty then you rapscallion?” and Sean screams back “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say … I demand you pardon me for my own sins and let me leave …”

The priest issues Sean with 50 Hail Marys and orders him to clean the church after the service, he is thus absolved of his sins …

On rejoining Murphy at the door Murphy smiles and asks “how did it go then Sean, what did you get?” to which Sean says “Oh, a few Hail Marys and a bit of cleaning to do after the service … and three freaking red hot tips for next Saturday …”

Differences Between You and Your Boss

**When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

**When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

**When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

**When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

**When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

**When you please your boss, you’re ass kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

**When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.