Special Occasions

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!”

Hotdog Pilot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.” The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”

“I just shut down two engines, kid.”

Newly Married Rednecks

This redneck couple from up in the country get married. The new wife tells her husband, “I have a secret to tell you … I’m a virgin.”

New husband goes stomping out of the room and goes home to tell his parents what happened.

His Dad says, “Good for you son, you did the right thing. If she is not good enough for her family she is definitely not good enough for ours.”

Don’t step on a duck

There were three guys, George, Tom, and Bob. They were going to heaven. On the way, a man stopped them and said, “Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck.” When they got up there, George and Tom were walking down the street and they saw Bob with the ugliest girl in the world. They asked him what had happened and he said he had stepped on a duck.

The next day, George and Bob were walking down the street and saw Tom with an even uglier girl than before. They asked him what happened and he responded that he had stepped on a duck.

So, the next day, Bob and Tom were walking down the street and they saw George with the most beatiful girl in the world. They asked what happened and the girl responded that she had stepped on a duck.

Leprechaun Nun

A minister was in his church one night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door to find two leprechauns sitting on the ground, one looking smug and happy, the other one looking nervous and scared. The smug one asked the minister if there were any leprechaun nuns in the church. When the minister answered, “No”, the smug one asked if there were any in the city, (no) state, (no) country, (no) world, (no) or universe, (no).

Finally, the smug one laughed and told the other one, “See! I told ye ye screwed a penguin!”

Dead Husbands

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked … “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied … “I think he means her legs.”

First Female Trucker

This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.

The head guy says: “I don’t know lady … you’ll be the first woman. Before I can hire you I’ll have to see if you fit in with the guys.

I have three questions for you …

1. “Do you drink?”
She replies, “At least a six pack a day”

2. “Do you swear?”
She replies, “Shit yeah, all the damn time!”

“OK, then, I got only one more question … you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

She replies, “No — but I’ve been swung around by my tits a few times!”