The Wisdom of Kids

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
Patrick, age 10

“When your dad is angry and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ – don’t answer.”
Hannah, age 9

“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
Michael, 14

“Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
Emily, 10

“When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
Taylia,11

“Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
Traci, 14

“Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.”
Mitchell,12

“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
Andrew, 9

“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.”
Kyoyo, 9

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
Armir, 9

“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
Kellie, 11

“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
Naomi, 15

“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
Lauren, 9

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
Joel, 10

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.”
Alyesha, 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.”
Eileen, 8

Signs PMS is Coming

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”

She buys you a new T-shirt — with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, “All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

The Battle of the Bobbitt Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story about a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That is.
Clean Cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her puple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
CURVE, that is
Tossed the Nub.
In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waiving in the air.
FOUND, that is
By a Fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
WHIZZED, That is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
with a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
VIDEO, that is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya’ll sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya hear

I Need a Man

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me … my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, I can’t prescribe …”

“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand?

“JUST one.”

“I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold …”

“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um … okay.”

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I … need … a man …”

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me … too …”

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she wasn’t going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to …”

Doctor Visit

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn’t know what they had to do to have children. So, they decided to visit a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.

The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her.

He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, “Now do you understand?”

“Yes, doctor,” the hillbilly responded, “but just one question.”

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, “Yes, what is it now?”

How often do I have to bring her in?”

The President’s Drink

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.

Mr. Falwell replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips.”

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “My apologies, I didn’t realize there was a choice … I’ll have the same thing he’s having.”