Category: Relationships


First Female Trucker

This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in construction.

The head guy says: “I don’t know lady … you’ll be the first woman. Before I can hire you I’ll have to see if you fit in with the guys.

I have three questions for you …

1. “Do you drink?”
She replies, “At least a six pack a day”

2. “Do you swear?”
She replies, “Shit yeah, all the damn time!”

“OK, then, I got only one more question … you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

She replies, “No — but I’ve been swung around by my tits a few times!”

Sister Maggie In Hell

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!”

Irish Bash

Sean and Murphy are two teenagers out on the razzle one night, well Sean is better looking than his mate and, consequently, he scores with a local chick and goes back to her place – abandoning Murphy with a wink.

Next morning, Sunday as it happens, Sean turns up at Murphy’s place with bags under his eyes, a dry throat, spotty chin and all the rest of it … he looks like death warmed up, and appears to have all the symptoms of going into a diabetic coma, even though he’s not a diabetic… and Murphy asks how it went … “Great” says Sean, “But I’m knackered and I think I really ought to go to confession you know, like after what l did with this girl last night.”

Murphy tells him to get a move on cos’ the church has already started morning service and so the pair of them get down there … whereupon Murphy says he’ll wait at the door on account he hasn’t got any sins to confess.

Sean reaches the confessional and the voice of the priest whispers to him through the screen … “speak up and reveal your sins to God young man” and so Sean goes on to describe his night of debauchery in detail … adding that it all happened with a local girl … and the priest says, “young man, your sins can be forgiven, but you must tell me the name of the poor girl, she may be in greater danger than you”

Sean doesn’t think he can bring himself to give her name and says “Father, I’ve come to confess my own sins, the girl can do the same, it wouldn’t be proper of me to speak her name now would it?”

The priest asks him, in an annoyed tone, “was it Mary O’Flannagan then young man” and Sean cries “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” which perplexes the priest more still, leading him to demand, “Well then, was it Lucy O’Hara you young idiot?” and Sean replies, “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say …” and the priest gets even more annoyed and asks in a sterner voice still “Was it Susan O’Flaherty then you rapscallion?” and Sean screams back “No Father … it’s the girls own business … I’ll not say … I demand you pardon me for my own sins and let me leave …”

The priest issues Sean with 50 Hail Marys and orders him to clean the church after the service, he is thus absolved of his sins …

On rejoining Murphy at the door Murphy smiles and asks “how did it go then Sean, what did you get?” to which Sean says “Oh, a few Hail Marys and a bit of cleaning to do after the service … and three freaking red hot tips for next Saturday …”

Sexual Advances

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded. “Just because I am considered ugly, doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Janet: “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”

Married 12 Times

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!'”

“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.”

“My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.'”

“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.”

“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”

“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.”

“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.'”

“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was … — God I miss him!”

“So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!”

Pregnant

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

“Sir,” she said, “I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I’ll bust.”

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, “But confidentially, I changed cocks.”

The newly pregnant woman responded, “Confidentially … me, too.”

National Condom Week

Here’s a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms – For the woody that won’t be cut down.

Sprout Condoms – Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms – For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift …

KFC Condoms – When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms – For that lil’ pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms – When you know “what time it is!”

Lassie Condoms – When you know she’s a bitch, but you’re gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms – When “Junior” wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms – When you’re bored stiff.

Memory Condoms – When it’s on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms – When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms – When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms – When you wanna sting ‘er!

Jock Condoms – When it’s a team effort!

Prone Condoms – When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom – For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom – Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom – When you know you’re gonna clean those pipes!

Paying by the Hour

A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

At about 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.

“What? On my own time??”