Bus Driver

There was a nun on a bus.  The bus stops to pick up a guy. The guy sits next to the nun and says, “Hey baby, want to have sex with me?”  The nun slaps him across the face and gets off at her stop.

As the guy gets off the bus, the bus driver says, “Hey, let me talk to you man-to-man for a minute.  I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there at about six-thirty, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you.”

The guy thanks the driver and gets off the bus.  The next night, the guy dresses up like God with the robes and waits for the nun in the graveyard.  Just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six-thirty.  The man walks up behind the nun and says, “I am God!”

The nun says, “Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?”

The guy says, “You must have sex with me.”

The nun says, “Ok, but you must do me anally, as I must remain a virgin, true to my oath.”

The guy agrees and they have sex.

Then the guy jumps up, tears off his robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the guy from the bus!”

And the nun jumped up, tears off her robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the bus driver!”

An Architect, a Hooker, and a Windows Programmer

An architect, a hooker and a windows programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.

“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the hooker.

“Ah,” said the architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”

“What are you getting at, God?” The hooker asked.

“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The architect asked, looking smug.

The windows programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”

“Darkness and chaos” said the hooker.

“And who do you think created chaos?” asked the programmer.

A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Programmer

A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer are driving to a party together when the car breaks down. The lawyer says, “Let’s sue the automaker for making a crappy product.” The doctor replies, “Nah, let’s just pop the hood and see what’s wrong.” Confident he has the solution, the programmer announces, “Let’s get out of the car then get back in again.”

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.  It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.  Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack.  The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.  Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )

Heavenly Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s.” The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man “And whose clock is that one?” *

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.” The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

“Where’s Senator John Kerry’s clock?” asked the man.

“Senator’s Kerry’s clock is in Jesus’ office.” St. Peter responded.

“Senator Kerry’s clock is so important it is in Jesus’ office?” Asked, the man.

“Yes, he’s using it as a ceiling fan.” Responded St. Peter.