A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer are driving to a party together when the car breaks down. The lawyer says, “Let’s sue the automaker for making a crappy product.” The doctor replies, “Nah, let’s just pop the hood and see what’s wrong.” Confident he has the solution, the programmer announces, “Let’s get out of the car then get back in again.”
A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault.
After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it
A madam opened the brothel door to see Joe; a rather slight, slick looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman standing there.
“May I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want to see Natalie,” Joe replied.
“Sir, Natalie busy right now. Besides she is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…”
“No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie appeared and explained to Joe that she charges $1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, Joe reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which Joe calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts … it was still $1,000 a visit. Again, Joe took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later he left. When he showed up on the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned Joe: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
Joe replied, “I’m from Maryland.”
“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know”, said Joe. “Your father died and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
MORAL – Some things in life are certain:
Being screwed by an attorney.
A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.
The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip.
The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.
Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time. Again everyone accepts until she reaches the lawyer.
“What is this!” he says, somewhat bothered “Do you think I’m some kind of food goblin?!”
From us (“the wishor”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”) Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-
* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Savior”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which lawyer number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
10. Opening argument in which he called the prosecutor a “Doo-Doo Head” could hurt your case.
9. Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
8. Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
7. Keeps trying to call a witness named “Johnny, the Trouser Troll.”
6. The only question she can come up with during cross examination is, “Isn’t it true that you’re a lying bastard?”
5. Constantly raising objections to the “vibes” he’s getting from the jury.
4. Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, “Yahtzee!”
3. Instead of saying “Your honour, I object,” he now just rolls his eyes and says, “Whatever.”
2. Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the “discovery” processes.
1. Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!'”
“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.”
“My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.”
“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.'”
“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.”
“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”
“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.”
“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”
“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.'”
“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”
“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”
“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was … — God I miss him!”
“So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!”
The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:
“To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.
“To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.
“And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!”
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.