Category: Redneck

A list of Redneck Jokes

If you think a cudzu vine is a privacy hedge you might be a redneck.

If you had to rearrange your living room furniture to fit your motorcycle you might be a redneck.

If you have ever used platic wrap for your back window in your car you might be a redneck.

If you take better care of your lawn mower than your family you might be a redneck.

If your neighbor flushes their toilet and the level of your pool drops you might be a redneck.

If you have ever slammed the door so hard that it knocked your house down off the concrete blocks you might be a redneck.

If your wife ever said, “Take this transmission out of the bath tub” you might be a redneck.

Hungry Calf

There were these two guys who went fishing, one guy got stung by a bee. “Damn”, he said, “every time I turn around I get stung.” The other guy says, “hell, you could tie me to that tree down there naked and I would never get stung.”

The other guy took him up on it and tied him to a tree naked. He walked back up threw the pasture and crossed the fence and went to the next bar. A couple of hours later the guy remembered his friend he rushed back and he was slumped over out cold.

The guy says, “hey, wake up did ya get stung? did ya get stung?”

The guy was pissed, “NO, YOU son of a bitch doesn’t that calf have a mother?????”

The Taxidermist

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

Newly Married Rednecks

This redneck couple from up in the country get married. The new wife tells her husband, “I have a secret to tell you … I’m a virgin.”

New husband goes stomping out of the room and goes home to tell his parents what happened.

His Dad says, “Good for you son, you did the right thing. If she is not good enough for her family she is definitely not good enough for ours.”

Doctor Visit

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn’t know what they had to do to have children. So, they decided to visit a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.

The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her.

He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, “Now do you understand?”

“Yes, doctor,” the hillbilly responded, “but just one question.”

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, “Yes, what is it now?”

How often do I have to bring her in?”

You Know You’re a 90’s Kind of Redneck if …

You mow your lawn and find a keyboard

You don’t understand why women get scared of mice when there is one on your desk

You have a 300 bps modem under the sink in your bathroom

Your bathroom has an internet connection

You find parts of old computers in your front yard

You have more broken printers than car engines in your yard

Your old style redneck neighbor dosen’t understand why you drink the soft drink Mountain Dew

Your T-Shirt reads C:DOS C:DOS RUN RUN DOS/RUN

You have no sex life, love life, or any other life

You can download MP3 files off of a 286 that you somehow got to run Windows 95

You relate to any of the stuff in this list

You know what CPM stands for

You Know You’re Trailer Trash If

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey watch this.”

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

18. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

21. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Martha Stuart’s Tips For Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your finger covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table