Lumberjack’s Pleasure

A man sets out to find work as a lumberjack. The last available slot is in the middle of the desert. Then the man meets the manager and gets the tour, but when they are finished the manager says: The only bad part of this job is that there is not one woman around for 200 miles.” This worried the man as to how he would be able to fulfill his sensual pleasures without any women around. So he asks this question to the manager, and the manager says: “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but about a half mile to the east there is a special tree called the Tree of Pleasure. Stick your rod in there and you will find all the pleasure you need.”

For the next three days, the man does this, and each time has awesome pleaure. On the fourth day, nothing happens. The man goes to the manager and says, “What’s the deal?” The manager says: “Oh, I forget to tell you, today its your turn to sit in the tree.”

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left … then to the right … right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says …

(wait for it)

(it’s coming! )

(Ya ready?)

(don’t hate me)

(take a deep breath)

“He should have quit while he was a head!”

It is Hard Being a Dick

It’s hard being a dick.

I have a head I can’t think with.

An eye I can’t see out of.

I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.

And alot of times I just have to hang in there.

But, sometimes, when I am let free, I barf all over the whole damned place.

And now that I have AIDS and my whole fu*king life is waisting away I have now realized it wasn’t worth it after all.

The BBQ

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was pulling weeds, bent over, the husband said, “Honey your butt is getting big. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now”. The husband feels he needs to prove his point and gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt. “Yep, he said, just what I thought, about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about a little sex baby?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What the matter?” he asked? To which she replied, “Surely you don’t think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”

What Kind of Kootchie do you have?

A-1 Steak Sauce Kootchie: Yeah, It’s that important
Apple Jack’s Kootchie: We eat what we like
Apple Jack’s Kootchie: But they don’t taste like apples

Carnation Instant Breakfast Kootchie: You’re gonna love it in an instant
Chili’s Kootchie: I want my baby back……
Coca-Cola Kootchie: Have a coke and a smile

Dell Kootchie: Easy as Dell
Discover Card Kootchie: Discover the possibilities

Ford Kootchie: Have you driven a ford lately?
Fruit Loops Kootchie: Follow your nose…..

Golden Crisp Kootchie: Can’t get enough of that golden crisp

Herbal Essences Kootchie: Yes, Yes, YES!!!
Hidden Valley Ranch: Taste is everything
Hostess Kootchie: Hey, Where’s the creme filling?
Hostess Kootchie 2: Now that’s the stuff

Jell-o Kootchie: There’s always room for jello

Kool-Aid Kootchie: Oh Yeah

Lay’s Kootchie: Get your own Bag
Life Savers Kootchie: So full of life (savers)

Mastercard Kootchie: For everything else there’s mastercard
Mercury Kootchie: Imagine yourself in a mercury
Mcdonald’s Kootchie: I’m lovin’it
Mcdonald’s Kootchie: Change is good
Milk Kootchie: Got Milk

Nintendo 64 Kootchie: Get in or get out

Oreo’s Kootchie: Unlock the magic

Pepto Bismol Kootchie: Pink does more than you think
Playstation 2 Kootchie: Live in your world, play in ours
Pokemon Kootchie: Gotta Catch Em’ All
Pork Kootchie: The other white meat

Reese’s Kootchie: There’s no wrong way to eat a reese’s

Sara Lee Kootchie: Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee
Sherwin Williams Kootchie: Where to get it
Skittles Kootchie: Taste the Rainbow
Snicker’s Kootchie: Hungry, Why wait
Subway Kootchie: Eat fresh
Super Soaker Kootchie: Wetter is better

Tressame Kootchie: Ooh Laa Laa
Twix Kootchie: The CreamyChewyCaramelChocolateyCrunchyCookie
Tyson’s Kootchie: Feeding you like family

Visine Kootchie: Get’s the red out

Wendy’s Kootchie: Eat great even late

Zip-lock Kootchie: Designed with you in mind