Real Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Newspaper Ads

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL-
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
_________________________
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
_________________________
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB – $850/ offer
_________________________
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
_________________________
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE … ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
_________________________
FREE PUPPIES … PART GERMAN SHEPHERD – PART DOG
_________________________
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
_________________________
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
_________________________
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED … ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
_________________________
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK – $2000
_________________________
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT – $15
_________________________
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
_________________________
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
_________________________
FULL SIZED MATTRESS
30 YR WARRANTY
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
_________________________
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
_________________________
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) – $50
_________________________
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED *************
CALL CHUBBIE ************
_________________________
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”
_________________________
SHAKESPEARE’S PIZZA – FREE CHOPSTICKS
_________________________
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG = LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
_________________________
HUMMELS – LARGEST SELECTION EVER “IF IT’S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT”
_________________________
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
_________________________
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
_________________________
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN
89 cents lb.
_________________________
NICE PARACHUTE –
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE – SLIGHTLY STAINED
_________________________
FREE FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
_________________________
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS – POLE INCLUDED $100
_________________________
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.975 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 – $9 PER HOUR
_________________________
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD
_________________________
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175
_________________________
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT’S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
_________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER $300
_________________________

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
_________________________
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
_________________________
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
_________________________
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
_________________________
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
_________________________
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
_________________________
KELLOGG’S POT TARTS – $1.99 box
_________________________
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN – $2.09 lb
_________________________
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

You Know You’re Over The Hill When …

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordian music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you … and you enjoy it.

5. You tune into the easy listening station … on purpose.

6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large … In that order.

7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

8. Someone compliments you on your layered look … and you’re wearing a bikini.

9. You keep repeating yourself.

10. You start video taping daytime game shows.

11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags … and you’re not carrying any luggage.

12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar … A month at a time.

14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

16. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out … and it stays out.

17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

19. You keep repeating yourself.

20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

21. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

22. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

23. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays …”

24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

25. You look both ways before crossing a room.

26. Your social security number only has three digits.

27. You keep repeating yourself.

28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

30. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

31. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

32. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak … and you say “pureed.”

33. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

36. Your back goes out more than you do.

37. You keep repeating yourself.

38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”

40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

44. The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style … come back in style.

45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

47. You keep repeating yourself.

48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

Funny Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

9. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

10. Stud Tires Out

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops Off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Women’s Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84

30. War Dims Hope For Peace

31. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kills 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Feeding The Needy

42. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Holds Dwarfs In Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waves Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumn

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board

55. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Iraq

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,…yet.

Q: Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1… F-111… F-117… B-2

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.