SECURITY NOTICE

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended; Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.

Early Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Captain calmly replied “Vietnam.”

Construction Communication

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee
meaning “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to
the 1st floor and shouts, “What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!”

The other guy says, “I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I’m coming.”

Marketing Analogies

For all the ladies who have asked, “What is marketing?”, the following analogies will help clear it up…

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
– That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
– That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
– That’s Spam.

Ranks of Importance

One day at a meeting, the manager of a large corporation asked his employees what the most important part of the body was. One replied the heart, you would die if it stopped beating. One guy said the brain, it helps your body to function. Then the boss said, you’re all wrong, its the asshole. It makes sure whatever is not needed any longer is gotten rid of.

Hard-Boiled Defective

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Washing Machine for $5

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.

“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.

“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.

“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.

“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”

“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars,” the salesman says. “I’ll take that too!” the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”

Like father, like son

One day a blonde woman phones to a major company asking for a Mr. Smith. The receptionist who happens to be blonde also answers the phone.

“Hi,” said the blonde woman. “Is Mr. Smith there?”

The blonde receptionist is quite shaken but responds that Mr. Smith had died several months earlier.

“Well, is his son there?” asks the blonde woman.

“Yes. One moment …”