Category: Medical

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A guy walks into a mental institute dressed in plastic wrap and nothing else. The guys goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I need help.”

The doctor replies, “Yes, I know, I can clearly see your nuts.”

First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now pay attention.”

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor it hurts when I touch here, here, and here. What is wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “I think you have broken your finger!”

Gay Bob goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Bob, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”

Bob is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”

“Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of

Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

Bob asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”

Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”

One day a man got injured in a car crash. He was alive but he had to be sent to a hospital. When he woke up he shouted, “I can’t feel my legs.”

“I know” the docter said, “I’ve amputated you arms.”