A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer are driving to a party together when the car breaks down. The lawyer says, “Let’s sue the automaker for making a crappy product.” The doctor replies, “Nah, let’s just pop the hood and see what’s wrong.” Confident he has the solution, the programmer announces, “Let’s get out of the car then get back in again.”
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A guy walks into a mental institute dressed in plastic wrap and nothing else. The guys goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I need help.”
The doctor replies, “Yes, I know, I can clearly see your nuts.”
First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now pay attention.”
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor it hurts when I touch here, here, and here. What is wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “I think you have broken your finger!”
Gay Bob goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Bob, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”
Bob is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”
“Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”
Bob asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
One day a man got injured in a car crash. He was alive but he had to be sent to a hospital. When he woke up he shouted, “I can’t feel my legs.”
“I know” the docter said, “I’ve amputated you arms.”
Q: A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have cotton balls?”
A: The pharmacist looks at him and says, “What is this some sort of joke?”
1. Fire authorities in California assessing the damage of a forest fire found a corpse dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided identification.
Investigators seeking an explanation as to how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire found that, on the day of the fire, the person was diving off the coast ~ 20 miles from the forest. Firefighters had a fleet of helicopters dropping very large buckets into the ocean, flying to the forest and emptying the water on the fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10” of the fire.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
2. A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. He was racing the engine on the cycle and somehow, it slipped into gear. He, holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass door and dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband on the floor, cut and bleeding, the cycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. She ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a hill, the wife went down the several flights of steps to the street to direct the paramedics. After the ambulance took the husband to the hospital, the wife pushed the cycle outside, got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released.
Arriving home, he looked at the damage, became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. Finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl. The wife, hearing an explosion and his screams, ran to the bathroom to find him on the floor, trousers blown off, burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. Again, she called for an ambulance.
The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While going down the stairs, a paramedic asked the wife how the husband burned himself. She told them and one, laughing so hard, tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the steps and broke his arm.
Now that was a bad day. Feel Better?
A couple age 67 went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man said, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, ‘There isn’t anything wrong with the way you have intercourse,’ and he charged the couple $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, ‘Just exactly what are you trying to find out?’ The old man said, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, the Hilton charges $78.00, and we can do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.