Dumb Tennessian

One day Alabama, Nebraska, and Tennessee football players had to ride together to California to go to a football conference. On the the way there, their car breaks down right beside Death Valley and they had to walk the rest of the way.

About an hour later they see a news van coming down the road, they try to wave it down, but instead of stopping and offering them a ride they get out and start filming them! They followed them for God only knows how long when finally stopped them and started interviewing them, they asked them what they brought with them to survive in the desert.

They asked the Alabama player he said, “I brought a gallon of water so I wouldn’t dehydrate.” They thought that was pretty smart.

They asked the Nebraska player what he brought and he said, “I brought a pack of bologna so I wouldn’t starve.” They thought that was pretty smart too.

They asked what the Tennessee player what he brought with him and he said, “A car door.” “What did you bring a car door with you for!?” He replied, “So I can roll the window down if I get hot … Duh.”

Why we make fun of Aggies

A man was driving home from college station to visit his family. He was listening to the radio and was getting fed up with all the Aggie jokes he was hearing. Then, out of the corner of his eye he saw an Aggie in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat. Upset with the jokes from earlier, he pulls his car over and screams out the the Aggie in the boat, “It is Aggies like you that make us look stupid and starts all those damn jokes. And if i could swim I would kick you ass!”

Tiger Woods

One evening, a young couple is in a hotel room and they are about to consumate their marriage. Just as they’re about to do it, the new bride stops the husband and says, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “Well, in this day and age, that’s pretty common, so it doesn’t really matter. By the way, who did you do it with?”

She replies, “Tiger Woods”.

“The golfer?”, he asks. “Well, he’s rich and famous, so I can see why you went to bed with him.”

They do their thing, then the husband reaches for the phone. “Who are you calling?” asks the wife. “Room service, I’m hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that” the wife replies teasingly. “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” They repeat the act and the husband reaches for the phone again. “Who are you calling?” “Room service, I’m still hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” The husband sets down the phone, slightly irritated, and they do it one more time. The husband reaches for the phone. “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah?” “He’d do it one last time.” The husband angrily slams down the phone, and they do it one more time. He reaches for the phone. “Are you calling room service?” “No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”

Walk It Off

There’s a coach on a football field during a game, and a player comes up to him, “Coach, I sprained my ankle.”

“Walk it off!”

“Coach, I’ve pulled a muscle.”

“Walk it off!”

“I dislocated my shoulder!”

“Walk it off!”

“I’m in labor!!”

“Walk it! Oh, sorry honey!”

Tiger’s Tees

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick to an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is “Top o’ the morning, shall I filler er up?”

Tiger nods yes and gets out of the car and two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Buick think of everything”.

Golfer’s Confession

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“I’m a golfer,” he said. “What’s the big deal about that?” she asked.

He replied, “When I say I’m a golfer, I mean that I’ll
be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf — golf wins.”

She pondered a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that
you should know about. I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” was his response, “just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up.”

Genie In A Bottle

One day this man and woman are playing golf at a golf course. So, the woman steps up to her ball and swings. The ball slices to the right and the two here the ball smash through a window.

They look at each other and the man says, “Well, we’d better go talk to the owner of the house and pay for the window. So the couple knock on the door and a man with a welt on his head dressed in funny clothes answers the door. The woman asks, “Oh, are you okay?”

The man says, “Yes, actually you released me, see I’m a Genie I’ve been trapped for 10,000 years, and for that I’ll grant you both one wish.” So the woman asks for a new wardrobe, and the man asks for one billion dollars every year for the rest of his life. Then the genie snaps his fingers and says, “There it’s done,” he continues, “you know a genie gets kind of lonely so if I could just have 20 minutes with your wife I’ll be happy.”

The couple discusses it and agree with it. After 20 great minutes of love making the genie and the woman come out and the genie asks, “How old are you miss, 20?” The woman replies, “Why yes!” “And how old are you sir?” “Fourty-three” “So, shouldn’t you know there are no such things as genies’?”

Hockey

Two women were at a bar. ESPN was on the television. One said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

“If that were true,” said the other woman looking up at the TV, “then it would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

Never Lose It

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

Golfing Sales

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”