Ever-Nagging Wife

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.  It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.  Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack.  The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.  Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )

Liverwurst

There was a butcher who lived right on top of his store and one night he heard some wierd noises and tip-toed downstairs and saw he 19-year old daughter masturbating with some liverwurst.

So he went back up stairs shaking his head. The next day a woman asked for some liverwurst and the butcher said they had none. She pointed to the liverwurst hanging and the butcher said “that’s my son in law”.

The Talking Baby

There was a mom, a dad, a doctor, and a new born baby.

Well, the doctor was holding the baby when the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my daddy?”

The doctor replies by saying, “No, but I can take you to your Daddy.” The baby said, “O.K.” and the doctor took him to his Daddy.

When the baby was in his Daddy’s arms, the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my Daddy?” The father said, “Yes, I’m your Daddy.” Then the baby poked him in the head again and said, “Did you screw my Momma while she was pregnant?” The daddy said, “Yes, yes, I did.” The baby poked him in the head again and asked, “Is this annoying?” The Daddy said, “Yes, it is annoying.” The baby said, “Well, you kept poking me in the head and you know what was worst?” The dad asked, “what?” The baby spit in his dad’s face and said, “you kept spitting in my face!”

Heavenly Balloons.

Little Johnny walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless. “Mommy, mommy, what are those?” he asks pointing to her breasts.

“Well, son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.”

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later…

While his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. “Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!,” he says. “What do you mean?” asks his mother.

“Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!”

Family Questions

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”

The Queer

A man walked into a bar and sat down. He looked really upset, so the bartender asked if he wanted to talk about his problems.

The man quickly responded by saying he’d like seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks the man what was bothering him.

The man looks up at him and says, “I just found out my brother is a queer.”

The bartender says, “Man I’m sorry.”

The next day, the man walked into the same bar, sat down and had the bartender get him seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks, “What is wrong today?”

The man replies, “I just found out that my other brother is a queer.”

The bartender apologizes and sends him on his way.

The following day, the man goes to the same bar, and orders the same seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender sighs and says, “Man doesn’t any of your family like women?”

The man grunts and says, “Yeah, I just found out that my wife does!”