To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.  It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.  Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack.  The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.  Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )

The Talking Baby

There was a mom, a dad, a doctor, and a new born baby.

Well, the doctor was holding the baby when the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my daddy?”

The doctor replies by saying, “No, but I can take you to your Daddy.” The baby said, “O.K.” and the doctor took him to his Daddy.

When the baby was in his Daddy’s arms, the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my Daddy?” The father said, “Yes, I’m your Daddy.” Then the baby poked him in the head again and said, “Did you screw my Momma while she was pregnant?” The daddy said, “Yes, yes, I did.” The baby poked him in the head again and asked, “Is this annoying?” The Daddy said, “Yes, it is annoying.” The baby said, “Well, you kept poking me in the head and you know what was worst?” The dad asked, “what?” The baby spit in his dad’s face and said, “you kept spitting in my face!”

Heavenly Balloons.

Little Johnny walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless. “Mommy, mommy, what are those?” he asks pointing to her breasts.

“Well, son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.”

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later…

While his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. “Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!,” he says. “What do you mean?” asks his mother.

“Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!”

Liverwurst

There was a butcher who lived right on top of his store and one night he heard some wierd noises and tip-toed downstairs and saw he 19-year old daughter masturbating with some liverwurst.

So he went back up stairs shaking his head. The next day a woman asked for some liverwurst and the butcher said they had none. She pointed to the liverwurst hanging and the butcher said “that’s my son in law”.

Family Questions

A family is setting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father said ask away. The young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”

The Queer

A man walked into a bar and sat down. He looked really upset, so the bartender asked if he wanted to talk about his problems.

The man quickly responded by saying he’d like seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks the man what was bothering him.

The man looks up at him and says, “I just found out my brother is a queer.”

The bartender says, “Man I’m sorry.”

The next day, the man walked into the same bar, sat down and had the bartender get him seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender asks, “What is wrong today?”

The man replies, “I just found out that my other brother is a queer.”

The bartender apologizes and sends him on his way.

The following day, the man goes to the same bar, and orders the same seven shots of wild turkey.

The bartender sighs and says, “Man doesn’t any of your family like women?”

The man grunts and says, “Yeah, I just found out that my wife does!”

How To Tell If You’re Ready To Have Kids

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Wife-Long Friendship

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

“Diane,” he said, “the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”