Bus Driver

There was a nun on a bus.  The bus stops to pick up a guy. The guy sits next to the nun and says, “Hey baby, want to have sex with me?”  The nun slaps him across the face and gets off at her stop.

As the guy gets off the bus, the bus driver says, “Hey, let me talk to you man-to-man for a minute.  I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there at about six-thirty, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you.”

The guy thanks the driver and gets off the bus.  The next night, the guy dresses up like God with the robes and waits for the nun in the graveyard.  Just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six-thirty.  The man walks up behind the nun and says, “I am God!”

The nun says, “Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?”

The guy says, “You must have sex with me.”

The nun says, “Ok, but you must do me anally, as I must remain a virgin, true to my oath.”

The guy agrees and they have sex.

Then the guy jumps up, tears off his robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the guy from the bus!”

And the nun jumped up, tears off her robes and says, “Ha, ha!  I am the bus driver!”

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.  Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.  It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.  Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.  There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.  However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.  He was a minister of many years who had been “called home to glory” following a heart attack.  The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.  Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in.  I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

( P.S. Sure is hot down here! )

Screwing Nuns

There were some nuns who were tired of being virgins. One day, a couple little boys came walking by and the nuns asked them if they wanted to screw with them. Since they didn’t know what she was talking about, they agreed to. While one of the boys was screwing a nun, he said, “Who’s your father, who’s your father.”

Noah’s Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?,” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “I am too late, the government already has.”

Loose Living

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his news paper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked. “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow men.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Christians vs. Jewish Golf Tournament

The Pope met with a Cardinal to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said the Cardinal, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

Two days later, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“SECOND?” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “YOU LOST TO SHIMON PERES?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus calmly, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

The Preacher’s Pin

After church on Sunday, the Preacher approached a man. He said, “Sir, your wife has a tendency to fall asleep throughout my sermon. I’m going to give you this safety pin and everytime I wink at you, stick it into her side to wake her up.” The man gladly took the pin and planned to do as the preacher had asked.

The following Sunday, the man and his wife showed up to church. The preacher began to start his sermon. He said, “Do all of you know who was born of the Virgin Mary and became our Savior?” He suddenly winked at the man. The man quickly thrusted the safety pin into his wife’s side. She said, “Jesus Christ!” The whole congregation replied with, “Amen, amen.”

The Preacher continued..”And who died on the cross to free us from our sins?” He winked again. The man stuck his wife and she shouted, “JESUS CHRIST!” Again the whole congregation replied, “Amen, amen.”

The Preacher continued once more