One Simple Wish

An Asian, an Afghan, and an American were each granted three wishes.

The Asian was first so he said, “I wish I were the richest person in my country.” BOOM, he was the richest person in his country.

Next, it was the Afghan’s turn. He said, “I wish there was a wall around my country so no one could go in and no one could go out.” BOOM, there was a wall around his country.

Next, was the American’s turn. He thought and thought really hard. He said “Fill it up with water.” BOOM.

How Indians get their names

Picture in your mind, an indian village. There is a fire in the middle of the camp, and several tee-pees surrounding it. Two of the villagers are sitting outside a tee-pee. A father and his son.

The son asks his father, “Father, how do we indians get our names?” His father replied, “Well, when your older brother was born, I looked outside the tee-pee, and the first thing I saw was a running deer. So your brother’s name became Running Deer. When your sister was born, early in the morning, I looked outside the teepee, and the first thing I saw was the morning star. So, your sisters name became morning star.”

There was a long pause, and then his father asked, “By the way, why do you ask such a question Two Dogs Fucking?”

Crash Course in Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man
Dum Gai

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face-lift
Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet
MunChing?

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

Small horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki, Pu

Sam Ting Story

A man named Sam Goldberg owned a store in New York. This store almost never closed, and he and his wife never went on a vacation.

One day, the man asked his wife where she wanted to go for a vacation. She said,”But Sam, we haven’t closed the store in years!”

Sam insisted, so she chose to go to San Francisco. As soon as they arrived there on the plane, they rented a car and went to eat dinner in Chinatown. When Sam found a parking space, he noticed a sign saying, “Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food.” He became enraged and ran into the store. He called for the owner, and an old Chineese man came forward.

Sam Goldberg said to him, “Your shop can’t be named ‘Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food’ because that is my name, and you aren’t even Jewish!”

Then the Chineese man explained how he got the name. When he arrived in America, he came up to the citizenship building and was in line after a man named Sam Goldberg. When he went to talk to the citizenship official, the official asked for the Chineese man’s name. He then said, “Sam Ting.”

Florida

Laughing With Florida (Hey, It Aint My Fault!)

**FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.

**FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

**FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

**FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

**FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.

**FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

**FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

**FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

**FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

**FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

**FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.

**FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

**Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

**Palm Beach County: We put the “duh” in Florida.

**Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Guinness Contest

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Frank the Chili Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

Hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

I’m getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: ————– (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable To report)

Sultan and Rested

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

Hot Pooch …

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

You know you’re from Northern New York When…

1) You only own 3 spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

2) You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

3) The mosquitos have landing lights.

4) You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5) True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

6) You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

7) You live in a house that has no front steps yet the door is one yard above the ground.

8) You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

9) Driving is better in the winter becase the potholes get filled up with snow.

10) You think lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

11) You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 of the page, but requires six pages for sports.

13) At least twice a year the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14) The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun.