Santa is Quitting

T’was the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits.
They want the impossible–those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo’s–NO request for them.
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

Santa

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice.. “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for awhile…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”

Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all throught the house
Every creature was stirring
Even the mouse
The stockings weren’t hung
They were thrown on a chair
And as for St. Nick
Nobody cared

The tree was all trimmed
With reefer and holly
And all in the house
Were drunk and quite jolly
Mom in the whorehouse
And Dad smokin’ grass
And I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece
To see what was the matter

When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell

He filled all the stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dildo
For my brother the queer

He flew back up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son-of-a-bitch
Blew my chimney apart

And I heard him exclaim
As he rode out of site
Piss on you all, and have a shitty ass night!!!!!

Politically Correct Season Greeting

From us (“the wishor”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”) Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Savior”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Titanic

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as … Sinko de Mayo.

Christmas Dinner

A family was sitting down to Christmas dinner when suddenly there’s a knock on the door so the father get’s up to answer it. He open’s the door and this snail asks him if he has anything for Christmas.

“No” replies the father and he kicks the snail down the street.

The following year the same thing happens, so the father opens the door and the snail says to him, “What did you do that for?”

What Did Santa Say?

It was with particular urgency that little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department of a big Sydney department store at Christmas.

Mother quickly steered Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of chocolates, etc., if only Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Johnny’s mother, “Perhaps I can persuade your son to co-operate.”

“I doubt that,” said the mother, “But you’re welcome to try.”

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Johnny’s ear. Johnny’s eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother’s hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and Chocolate cake) if Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa’s words were.

Johnny turned pale and wouldn’t utter a word. What had Santa said?

Johnny’s mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Johnny’s stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Johnny now answered: “He said, ‘Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don’t climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I’m going to kick the living piss out of you!'”