This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can’t resist toting up the value of the coins.
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’ve found $1999.99 up your bum.”
“Hmmm,” replies the patient, “That would explain why I’ve not been feeling too grand …”
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts, “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?”
The first guy replies, “Well, I’m f*cking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair.”
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnnie.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnnie, however, did extremely well he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnnie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnnie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.
“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. “Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?” asked the man.
“Why?” responded she. “Are you a harmonica player?”
Q: What do the vacuum “Dirt Devil” and Viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Q: What’s white and 10 inches long?
A: Nothing
A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream.
He asked his wife if she wants some.
“How hard is it?” she asked.
“About as hard as my dick,” he replies.
To which the woman replied, “OK, then. Pour me some.”
Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny’s house. “Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny’s got a penis like a peanut!”
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, “What, you mean it’s shaped like a peanut?”
“No silly, it’s salty!”