Category: Miscellaneous


Golfing Fit

First Golfer: ” I was playing with Harry Schwartz yesterday. He was hitting the ball so badly that on the 12th hole — you know, the water hole — he really blew it. Throwing his clubs into the lake, he jumped in after them shouting “I’m going to kill myself”.

Second Golfer: “What happened?”

First Golfer: “Nothing … He couldn’t keep his head down.”

I’m So Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her God damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My God damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!

Melissa and Jimmy

Jimmy Fuck had recently found out about sex and wanted to try it on his friend Melissa Pee. He went to her house and asked if he could have sex with her and she said, “No.”

So, the next day he went to her house with her favorite cookies, chocolate chip, and said to her, “I’ll give you this whole batch of cookies if you let me have sex with you.”

She said, “Well I guess so.”

So he procedes to have sex with her, when just then Melissa Pee’s mother walks in. She starts yelling and says, “Melissa Pee!”

She replies, “I can’t, I can’t!”

Her mother screams again and says, “Jimmy Fuck!”

He yells back “I am, I am.”

I need a …

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Sex Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” said the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

English Lessons

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”

Miss Rogers: “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

Sperm Count

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”