Gas and Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas and free sex here.” Obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

“Pick a number from 1-10 to get free sex,” said the cashier.

“Uh, okay, three!” the man replied.

“Nope! Sorry, better luck next time.”

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

“This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.

“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won three times last week alone!”

Where Did I Come From?

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?” Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”

Henry Ford in Heaven

Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.

“Name?”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Occupation?”

“Inventor.”

Peter consults his clipboard.

“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”

Ford finds the right door and goes in.

It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.

Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.

“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”

“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”

“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”

“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”

Adam considered this for a while.

“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”

Japanese Banking

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Crazy Bats

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2:00 in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied, “Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?”

The first bat said, “I know just the place, come and I’ll promise you I will find us some blood!”

The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour had past and the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn’t go said “You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?” to which the first replied – “Do you see that tree over there?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he replied

“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!!”

If Cat’s Kept Journals

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant, pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan …

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick mind could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

What You Get

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.”

“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?”

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!”

George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Weaving

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road”?

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma’am … that’s your air freshener.”

Graying Hairs

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Tugboat Captains

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”

The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of … an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”