Yo Mamma

Yo mamma is so fat she stepped in one side of the mall and came out the other side.

Yo mamma is so fat she stood up and said I found Nemo.

Yo mamma is so poor i saw her kickin a can down the street i asked her what she was doin she said, “I’m moving”.

Yo mamma is so fat she uses aircraft carriers for waterskis.

yo mamma is so stupid she tried to drown yo gold fish.

Yo mamma is so fat she was walkin outside with a raincoat on and someone passed by and said “Taxi!Taxi!!”

Yo mamma is so old she sat by Jesus in the third grade.

Yo mamma is so old her social security number is 1.

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 16-17 a woman is like Antartica. They are cold and undiscovered. Yet, No one wants the trouble of getting there!

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Just Spell

A man died and arrived at the pearly gates where St. Peter waited for him. St. Peter said, “Okay, you’re already cleared to go into heaven, you just have to pass one simple test.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“All you have to do is spell the word love”

“Oh, that’s easy. L-O-V-E, ” said the man.

St. Peter replied, “Okay well you’re good to get into heaven, but do you think you could do me a favor and cover my job for a bit while I run a few errands? All you’ll have to do is when someone comes ask them how to spell love.”

“Sure,” said the man.

St. Peter left to run his errands and sure enough someone arrived at the gates. It was the man’s wife. The man asked his wife what she was doing here and how she died.

“Well,” she said, “I was really depressed when you died and I just didn’t see any point in living without you, so I thought I’d kill myself and come spend all of eternity with you.”

“Sure, honey,” said the man, “all you have to do is pass one test.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?” said his wife.

“Just spell the word, ‘Chrysanthemum’.”

Most Functional Word

“The Most Functional Word ”

Well it’s Shit …….. That’s right, Shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,
buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shine. There are lucky shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit you can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit, or take a shit. You can be happier than a pig in shit, or you can find yourself in deep shit.

Some days are cold as shit, some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes every thing you touch turns to shit. And others times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!

Tell people about this shit, if you give a shit.

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.