Yo mama is so fat when she wore a yellow rain coat outside people yelled, “taxi!”
When yo mama went to the beach to tan people started throwing water on her screaming, “save the whale!”
Yo mama’s so hairy she has afros on her nipples.
Yo mama’s so fat when she wore a shirt with an “X” on it a helicoptor landed on her.
Yo mama’s so ugly she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
Yo mama’s so ugly yo daddy drives her to work so he doesn’t have to drop her off.
Yo mama’s so fat when you walk around her you get lost.
Yo mama’s so stank her teacher gave her an A for not raising her hand.
Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses pillowcases for socks.
Q: If you have four blondes as guests and you
have only one chair, how are you going to give them a sit?
A: You just turn the chair over!
If you think a cudzu vine is a privacy hedge you might be a redneck.
If you had to rearrange your living room furniture to fit your motorcycle you might be a redneck.
If you have ever used platic wrap for your back window in your car you might be a redneck.
If you take better care of your lawn mower than your family you might be a redneck.
If your neighbor flushes their toilet and the level of your pool drops you might be a redneck.
If you have ever slammed the door so hard that it knocked your house down off the concrete blocks you might be a redneck.
If your wife ever said, “Take this transmission out of the bath tub” you might be a redneck.
Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in a pot, nine days old!
Some like it wet, some like it dry, some like it low, some like it high!
Some like it mad, some like it flirty, some like it neat, some like it dirty!
Q: What’s a blonde favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me, dump me.
#10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
#8 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever
say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:
#1 Oh, honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
There were some nuns who were tired of being virgins. One day, a couple little boys came walking by and the nuns asked them if they wanted to screw with them. Since they didn’t know what she was talking about, they agreed to. While one of the boys was screwing a nun, he said, “Who’s your father, who’s your father.”
The next time your children ask, “Why is math so important?” you can explain … This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? … I think not.
How to shower like a woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make a mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave in hair for 15
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner out of hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.