Category: Body / Anatomy / Health


Stag Party

A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out.

Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend’s condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, “He had broken his prick.” They shouldn’t worry though, because he had supported the injured part with four tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.

The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, “Come and get it, Honey, it’s all yours. I’m untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool.”

The groom smiled and dropped his pajamas as he said to her, “Yeah? Well, check this out, Babe, still in the crate!”

Groped on the Bus

Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was travelling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong.

The woman replied, “There’s a man trying to molest me!”

The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, “You must have scared off the man when you screamed.”

The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus.

“What’s wrong now?” asked the driver.

The woman replied, “That man was trying to molest me, he’s under my seat!”

The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy.

The driver said to the man, “Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her.”

The man replies, “No, no, no! I’m just looking for my toupee — I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!”

What Is It?

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The guy said, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

Broom Factory

A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.

He called her into his office, “But why?” he asked.

“Nothin, I just wanna quit that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise.”

“No,” she said.

“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”

“Okay if you must know …” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look, I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you …”

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, “Ha, ha … my dear, it’s nature. Look, I have it, too …”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well.”

Corkscrew Penis

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Martin said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Martin said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

Henry Ford in Heaven

Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.

“Name?”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Occupation?”

“Inventor.”

Peter consults his clipboard.

“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”

Ford finds the right door and goes in.

It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.

Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.

“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”

“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”

“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”

“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”

Adam considered this for a while.

“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”

Get it in Cider

Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his Mom is fixing dinner.

“Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks Little Johnny.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”

“No thanks, just the cider.”

“Well, sure,” responds Johnny’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider.

The mother complies with Johnny’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks Johnny’s mother questioningly.

“Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more. Sometimes known as the “BUS SHIT,” as if you wait a few minutes another one comes along.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as “Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit.” You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT
This is where you have eaten some sweetcorn, and miraculously it has reformed into the cob.

THE LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that’s so enormous you are afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE “GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT” SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the “POWER DUMP.” That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT
That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.

THE “HONEYMOON’S OVER” SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don’t. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. Also known as “THE HOMESICK POO,” as it doesn’t want to leave ‘home.’

THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless. Sometimes known as the “ICE CREAM VAN SHIT” due to the way it is laid down.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
“DRINKER’S SHIT”.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a “STILL GOING” shit.

THE SURPRISE SHIT
This is where you go to fart, and this one pops out.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from “THE LOG SHIT.”)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

THE “I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE” SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE “I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER” SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE “I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY” SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE “WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?” SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE “I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE” SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

THE BOSTON STRANGLER
Try as you might, the damn thing won’t snap off. This is the more serious version of the “I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE”