Category: Miscellaneous


Ten Items of Fruit

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in … but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … 7 … 8 … on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied, “I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!”

Men Are Like …

… Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

… Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Royal Battle

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Mental Health Recording

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 984764132184. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

Ticket Excuse

A man in his 50’s bought a new Boxter and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him “There’s no way they can catch a Boxter,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 … Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy having been in marketing and sales for years thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend” said the officer.

Ya mama

Ya mama is so fat she has to use a mattress to wipe her butt.

Ya mama is so ugly she looked out the windows and got arrested for mooning.

Ya mama is so fat she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.

Ya mama is so ugly when she went in a haunted house she came out with application.

Gotta Love Blondes

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”