Category: Miscellaneous


Mutual Trust

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

Restroom Signs

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men!
-Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
-Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, DC

In a washroom in Ann Arbor, Michigan someone wrote:

My mother made me a homosexual.

Under this, someone scrawled: If I got her the yarn, would she make me one too?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If you voted for Bill Clinton in ’96, you can’t shit here … your asshole is in Washington.
-Blind Pig, Ann Arbor,Michigan.

Please refrain from throwing toothpicks in the toilet!
Remember: CRABS CAN POLE VAULT!!!!!
–Washroom wall on I-81.

Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!
-Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
-Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
-Men’s restroom, American University. Washington, DC

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,D.C.

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
-Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom, Country Club, San Francisco.

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.

You’re too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, Califronia.

I saw you take a shit. Now put it back.
-Anonymous

Watermelons

An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching “Mamas Family” when she hears a knock on the door. When she opens it, there is a salesman standing on her doorstep. She asks, “Yes?” The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons for a delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver a watermelon to her doorstep. “My that’s a splendid idea.” the old woman says, so she signs up. The salesman tells her that she would receive her first watermelon in two days, then he leaves. Well, two days go by, and no watermelon. Four days, no watermelon. Six days, still no watermelon. The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service, and demands, “Where are my watermelons?” They explain that they have been delivering them to her doorstep for the past couple of days, so they ask if there are any people that might walk by her doorstep, thinking that it’s theirs. She says, “Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next door neighbours.” The people on the phone also tell her that in order to eliminate any confusion, they always write the initials of the customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them, was probably knowingly stealing them. They tell her that maybe she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been taking the watermelons. By now, she’s furious! She hangs up the phone and hobbles over to the next door neighbour’s front door and knocks it with her cane. A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a beer can answers. She asks, “Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?” The guy explains that he doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks him if he knows what happened to the watermelons. The son says proudly, “Yes I done took the watermelons, and I et dem!” The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin’ like he’s never had before. Before the boy could finish his explanation, “But Dad, on da watermelons, it said on dem…” the father gives the boy several lashes with the belt. The kid’s screaming and crying, arms and legs are flailing about. After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his room. He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that he would pay for the watermelons, and that the boy would not steal them any more. So he asked the old woman to whom he should write the check out to. She replies, “Oh just write it out to me. My full name is …

Esther Alice Thomson.”

Expensive Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.

He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne … the works.

Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”

“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than … punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the … bug is close.

It’s always darkest before … daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of … termites.

You can lead a horse to water but … how?

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.

No news is … impossible.

A miss is as good as a … Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog … math.

If you lie down with dogs, you … will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust … me.

The pen is mightier than … the pigs.

An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there’s … pollution.

Happy is the bride who … gets all the presents.

A penny saved is … not much.

Two is company, three’s … The Musketeers.

None are so blind as … Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.

You get out of something what you …see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.

There is no fool like … Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and … you have to blow your nose.

Maturity

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided that I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So then I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable, and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After graduation, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.