Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.
Category: Miscellaneous
Peewee vs. O.J.
Q: What’s the difference between Peewee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Car Trouble
A woman’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the h*** is going on here?”
“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.
“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” screams the cop.
“Those are my emergency flashers!” replied the blonde.
The Talking Clock
A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked, “What’s that big brass basin for?”
“That’s the talking clock,” answered the man.
He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off! Don’t you know that it’s 2 a.m., you asshole?!”
Mint Flavored Birth Control
Q: Have you heard about the new Mint flavored birth control pill for women they can take immediately before sex?
A: They’re called “Predickamints.”
What The Doctor Says, And What He Means
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
—or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
Sinking Clintons
Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who is saved?
A: The whole nation.
Wal-Mart Announcement
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g. “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: (I kid you not)
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”
Ice Cube with a Hole
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, “Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?” “Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years.”
Tragic Humor
You gotta love people who can turn a tragedy into at least a little humor.
After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray painted their homes or put up signs claiming:
“For Sale: Fixer Upper” or “OPEN HOUSE.”
However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton’s visit, put a sign in his yard saying:
“HEY BILL, HOW’S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?”
Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.