Category: Relationships


Sobbing Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

Confessions

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: “I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?”

The girl said: “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied: “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches.”

Golf Aim

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man-you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

The Blonde Wife

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “shut up … you’re next!”

Earring

Steve is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. Steve knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

Steve walks up to him and questions, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he sheepishly replies.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Shoot The Wife

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”