What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned – that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned – that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned – that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned – that it’s not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I’ve learned – that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned – that it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I’ve learned – you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I’ve learned – that you can keep puking long after you think you ‘re finished.

I’ve learned – that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned – that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I’ve learned – that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned – that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I’ve learned – that money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned – that my best friend and I can do anything except see “Everest” at the museum of science.

I’ve learned – that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned – that sometimes when I’m angry I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity.

I’ve learned – that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

I’ve learned – that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.

I’ve learned – that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I’ve learned – that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for “you”.

I’ve learned – that no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I’ve learned – that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.

I’ve learned – that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.

I’ve learned – that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t have secret plans to move out.

I’ve learned – that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria’s.

I’ve learned – that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I’ve learned – that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned – that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I’ve learned – that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.

I’ve learned – that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned – To say “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke” in six languages.

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