A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “shut up … you’re next!”
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are … very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
One time I passed a blonde coworker on the way to work and noticed she had a headlight out. When I told her that “one of her headlights was out”.
She asked, “Front or back.”
To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, a young man went to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
There’s a blonde at work one day and she decides that she is thirsty. She goes to the soda machine, drops in her change, pushes the button, and the soda falls out.
She does this three or four more times. The guy standing behind her, wondering what the hell she’s doing finally asks, “Excuse me, but what are you doing?”
The blonde replies, “Duh, Winning!”
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too.” The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”
A young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
“Have you ever been x-rayed?”, asked the doctor.
“Nope,” she replied, “But ah’ve been ultra-violated.”
A woman’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the h*** is going on here?”
“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.
“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” screams the cop.
“Those are my emergency flashers!” replied the blonde.
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.