My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor’s office.
“We have come for an examination” said the young girl.
“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”
“No, not me” said the girl. “It’s my old aunt here.”
“Very well. Madam, put your tongue out.”
I’m so fat, I can’t even sit down without getting the earth stuck in between my crack!
They are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first Nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The Nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next Nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The nun is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of Nuns, one Nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?”
The Nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!”
There were two doctors talking and one said, “I had a patient today with a dick like a dill pickle.”
The other doctor said, “It was that green?”
The first doctor said, “No, that sour.”
A truck driver who has been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the Worker’s Compensation Department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right all lead
Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I’m not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, “YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE… YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION … AND I’D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!”
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off penises in this place,” she began, “the big ones went for a $10 and the thick ones went for $20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away as free samples,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too.” started the husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for $1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” Enquired the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction” he replied.
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor that they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…
“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”
The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops…
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell …
“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
“James, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower”.
*Ting-a-ling.*
A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs. The man isn’t sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass.
The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can’t believe what he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says “Three times you have sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs … What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?”
The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
The woman looks at him and says “Black Pepper”.