A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”
The father yelled back, “Screw You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, … and you told me to go fly a kite!”
Signs your son is too old too breastfeed.
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell honey!”
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, All I can smell is … molasses.”
A husband and wife decided they needed to use “a code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “typewriter”.
One day the husband told his five-year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.
The child told her mom what dad said and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an act of God!”
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them.”
My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).
One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge.
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!”
The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
“What’s wrong Tracey?” she asked.
Tracey told her that she had “morning sickness.” Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”
“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve read in the bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes son, and if you read on further you’ll find out that they walked everywhere they went!”
“And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
“No thank you.” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife?” he asked.
“Yeah! That’s a good idea.” the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”
It seems that a young couple had just gotten married, and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.
In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down to eat. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. His mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat.”
The grooms young brother said “Mommy, I think …”
“Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.
At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal, and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was silenced by his mother.
At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.
The young lad once again said “Mommy I think …”
“Well, what is it that you think?!?” asked his mother, rather irritated.
“I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”