The Holy Fish

A groundskeeper at a Catholic orphanage agreed to take a little boy out on a rowboat for some fishing. Sure enough, the boy caught a whopper which made the old man exclaim, “Well son-of-a-bitch!” He calmed the startled orphan by saying that’s what the fish is called.

Once ashore the boy excitedly told Sister Therasita about the fish, his Son-of-a-bitch. Right then, Father Hannigan brought the joyous news that the Pope is coming for supper and the fish would make a wonderful meal. “What is it?” the father asked.

“It’s a son-of-a-bitch, Father.”

Sister Therasita offered to clean the fish so that the Mother Superior could cook it to perfection.

After the meal was nearly over, the Pope praised the excellent fish and asked just what it was.

The Father replied, “

Why Engineers Don’t Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor

#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Friday’s Memories

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I sleep with this person)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not Over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What’s the deal with the pigs?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm…..)

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile can not stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I’m home … what the …)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig … quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is “Damn Pigs”.

Children’s Books That Weren’t

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who died from eating all his vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Dogs go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. You were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster … And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry.

Vanity Plates

10SNE1 ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C ;One for you to see (“Sky-Hi” Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1 ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U ;RX-7
3NON ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE ;fer shure
55N-UP ;55mph and up
6 KIDS ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8 ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB ;on a Saab
ALICE ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA ;Baa Baa ‘on a ‘ Black Jeep
BCNU2 ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN ;Beaching!
BESIDES ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND ;On a ‘blue’ plymouth ‘HORIZON’, Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR ;Bee keeper
BY YALL ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE ;on a BMW!
CME4DK ;See me for decay, on a dentist’s car.
CRAY Z ;Crazy
CULATR ;See you Later,
DAD IOU ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE ;Don’t smoke
DUTY ;for a Honda ‘Civic Duty’
DUTY ;for an Audi, ‘Audi Duty’
DV-DT ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD ;on a Porsche 911 “Carerra”
FUNHOG ;seen in Montana
GO4IT ;Go for it!
GONSNO ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL ;Great Specials
GSNDHT ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG ;hi ho silver!
HITECH ;High Technology
I SK8 ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8 ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD ;I Be too bad
IBCNU ;I’ll be seeing ya!
ICU812 ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10 ;I’m a 10!
IMATEN ;I’m a 10!
IMB4U ;I’m before you!
IMEZRU ;I’m a zuru
INYORI ;In Your Eye…
IOAA ;(I owe AA)
IONO1 ;I owe no one
IX XIV ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM ;on a small car
LEMON ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC ;on a Corvette
MINE ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR ;at least now we know who owns that car…
MY DEBT ;on a New York car
MYREVNG ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS ;no brakes!
NONE ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS ;on a red porsche 911 (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2 ;And toto too
OBJET ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE ;on a NH ‘Live free or Die’ automobile.
OMEGA1 ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH ;on a Porsche
POORSCH ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN ;Racing
RARE ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8 ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2 ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS ;Are you envious?
STOP ;Get the message?
STORK1 ;on an Obstetrician’s Mercedes
SWTPEA ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN ;on a Toyota
TOFLY ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX ;on a Woman’s 280ZX
UNIXINU ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME ;You envy me
UR2LOW ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12 ;You want one too?
VAN GO ;for a vanpool
VANITY ;plain and simple
W8LFTR ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH ;on a porsche
WHORU ;Who are you?
XXXXXX ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY ;Seen on an Ohio car, a magic word in Adventure
YOT YM ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA ;Zippity doo dah….

Keys Locked in Car

A colleague had left work, started driving off, and remembered he’d left his jacket in the office. He stopped the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the jacket.

When he returned to his car, he realised that he’s locked the keys inside the car, and lights were on and the engine was ticking over. He ran back to the office for help.

His car was a Ford Fiesta, which could be opened in seconds with a piece of packing tape (I knew, because I had the same model).

As it happened, we’d had a delivery that day, and there was packing tape all over. I picked up a length, and went with him to the car. I had the door open in seconds. My colleague, who wasn’t the quickest brain on the planet, was mightily impressed.

“Do you mind if I keep that?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, “it’s only a bit of rubbish.”

“Great,” he replied. “I’ll keep it in the glove compartment in case I do that again!”

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, “Did I just see you swallow something?”

“Yep, that was my birth control pill” said the driver.

“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.

“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed.”

AWOL

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”

The recruit replied, “On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap … and I wasn’t about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir.”

Real Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers Strike Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Today’s Stock Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Sailboats stayed at an even keel while powerboats weathered the storm.

PWC’s buzzed to new heights.

The market for raisins dried up.

The soft drink industry fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And Scott tissue touched a new bottom.