Category: Miscellaneous


Life’s Little Axioms

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

He’s always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Questionable Questions

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since some Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

Ink Blot Test

A fellow is lying on the couch undergoing a test by the psychiatrist.

The shrink creates a blot of ink on a piece of paper, then holds it up for the patient to see, then asks, “What do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink creates another ink blot picture, then holds it up to the patient to see, and again asks, “Now, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

Finally, the shrink makes another picture and asks, “NOW, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink puts his ink and paper to one side and says, “Well, I think I know what your problem is: you simply have a dirty mind.”

And the patient says, “YOU’RE the one showing me all those dirty pictures!”

What NOT To Say To Your Girlfriend’s Parents

1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!

5) We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6) Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.

7) Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?

9) There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.

10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost …

Nickel or a Dime?

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley’s Grocery Store. I don’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger. One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

He looked at Lamar and me and said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Don’t Make Me Late

A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he kept repeating to himself, “Please, God, don’t make me late. Please, God don’t make me late.”

When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said, “Jesus Christ, you didn’t have to push me.”

Long Memory

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”

Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have …You have character lines.

Signs You Aren’t a Kid Anymore

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age … and isn’t breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Jewish Definitions

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one’s favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes …

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN slang. “My son, the genius.”

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.